


Footpaths

by everythingispoetry



Series: If die, only in Manhattan [9]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Medical Procedures, Missions, Relationship Issues, Secret Identity, Team Bonding, Terminal Illnesses, Triple Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2017-12-28 05:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingispoetry/pseuds/everythingispoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Every step Tony takes, there seems to be someone following him.</em><br/>It seems to be time of discoveries, not all of them pleasant, but some surprisingly so. </p><p>(Part 9: January - March 2013)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this piece:[Sting - Englishman in New York](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d27gTrPPAyk) ;p  
> Yes, this is _still_ a fill for [this avengerkink prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/15292.html?thread=33895612#t33895612)
> 
>    
> Beta by Kae and dri-dri93, thank you both <3

 

On Sunday the 20th there is a team sparring session. It takes Tony a long time to decide on going, but he figures he can’t slack off just because of some _personal trouble_ – the team’s integrity is essential in tight situations. He wouldn’t want anyone, himself included, to blame him if something went wrong.

All the Avengers but Thor are present and that helps: it dissolves the tension that’s pretty obvious to both Tony and Steve as soon as they greet each other. Their words and nods are rather stiff and mechanical, but the difference is so slight no one else is able to pick it up.

The training lasts for three hours with almost no break, and by the end everyone is satisfyingly sweaty and sore. Iron Man doesn’t stay long after the last mock fight breaks up. He makes his way to the roof immediately and flies off before anyone can come after him. JARVIS seems eager to say something, Tony can tell, but in the end he doesn’t. Tony flies around the city, taking a long way home, and when he’s back the sweaty undersuit clings to his body tightly.

‘Run a bath for me, J,’ Tony orders as the armor peels itself off his body. ‘Make it mint, that sounds like something I need.’

‘Of course, sir,’ JARVIS agrees easily and Tony nods to himself, working on the undersuit. His hands are slightly shaky from the training; the three hours have exhausted him completely, and it’s strangely difficult to take the tight fabric off.

By the time he’s done, JARVIS has already dimmed the lights and finished preparing the bath. Tony shivers with pleasure when his skin touches the pleasantly warm water. The bathroom smells fresh and tangy and it makes Tony feel as if breathing was a little easier, as if his lungs suddenly had more space around the arc reactor.

For several minutes, Tony loses track of time; the only noise he can hear is his own heartbeat and soft murmur of the water, kept at perfect temperature by JARVIS. It feels unreal, the sudden change from a noisy hall of Avengers Mansion to a cozy semi-dark home.

‘Sir, please do not fall asleep in the bath,’ JARVIS speaks up suddenly, making Tony flinch and snap his eyes open. ‘I do not think it is a good idea.’

‘Sure thing, J,’ Tony murmurs sleepily, trying to shake off the traces of a half-dream he was just swimming into. ‘Yeah, you’re right, not a good idea, not in a bath full of water,’ he adds, stretching his arms lazily just under the surface. It seems to reflect a warm green light, probably because of the mint salts.

‘If I may, sir, I would suggest you eating a light supper before going to bed and getting rest.’

‘It’s only six p.m.,’ Tony argues, rising from the bath slowly. The air in the room is really warm – most people would probably say too warm – but Tony hasn’t been fond of feeling cold since Afghanistan and the illness didn’t make it better. ‘I should be doing something productive, I guess.’

‘The items I catalogued will arrive tomorrow morning and you will have plenty of work. There is nothing pressing in your calendar.’

‘And?’ Tony asks, grabbing the big red fluffy towel that’s waiting for him and wrapping it protectively around his shoulders.

‘ _Normal_ people usually rest on Sunday evenings, sir. You could always try eating a bowl of cookie dough while watching the next episode of CSI.’

‘Funny,’ Tony murmurs, snickering slightly. He really can’t stand TV most of the time and JARVIS knows it better than anyone. ‘But maybe you’re right, maybe I should just go to sleep – by the way, where’s Happy?’

‘Mister Hogan is meeting Mrs. Liamson five floors down. You were both invited to her housewarming dinner,’ JARVIS reminds Tony gently. Tony doesn’t exactly remember that, but he’s never been good at remembering schedules; that’s what Pepper and JARVIS are for. Or have been. ‘Do you require his assistance?’

‘No, J, I can feed myself,’ Tony replies, rolling his eyes, and puts on track pants and an old t-shirt. ‘And put myself to bed.’

‘It is a constant source of happiness to me, sir, to see you actually doing those things,’ JARVIS states innocently. Tony sighs. It’s his _fault_ JARVIS is like that while most A.I.’s are polite and helpful. Not that Tony doesn’t love J the way he is.

‘Well then, J, wake me up tomorrow some time before the delivery guys come around. If I don’t get up myself, I don’t want to have Happy bother with them,’ he says, entering the kitchen area, the room lighting up as he steps inside. Then he adds and afterthought, ‘And don’t let me fall asleep with my face in cinnamon toast.’

JARVIS doesn’t reply but Tony knows that content hum too well.

 

 

In the end it’s not JARVIS’ voice that wakes Tony up, but a call from Pepper.

‘Tony?’ she asks in a tired voice. It brings a smile to Tony’s face, reminding him of so many mornings when she had to drag him out of his house to attend one meeting or another, always firm but tired with his antics. Even if he was a good CEO, in the end, he never liked formal meetings and all the boring stuff.

‘Hello, Pep,’ he replies easily into thin air. ‘Do you know what time it is?’

‘10 p.m., here,’ she replies quickly. ‘I know you probably forgot and I don’t blame you, but we did launch that big factory here in Japan and I thought you might be interested in learning that it all went well. It’s shining _Stark Industries_ over the Japanese soil. Well done.’

‘Congratulations to _you_ , Pep,’ Tony laughs, sitting up in bed and looking around to see if there is something wearable within his eyesight. ‘I know it might be still difficult to comprehend because you miss me so much as your boss there, but Stark Industries is _you_ now, not me – and don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear it, Woman of the Year.’

‘… Well, congratulations to me, then,’ Pepper agrees after a brief moment of silence and then exhales. ‘I hate changing time zones.’

‘I know, I know –’

‘So you owe me something when I’m back. For making me do this. And now _I_ don’t want to hear any of your talking.’

‘I guess a dinner might be an appropriate payment for mutual silence, then,’ Tony concludes, taking off his sleeping clothes and putting on yesterday’s t-shirt and a pair of old jeans. ‘When are you back? Wednesday?’

‘Wednesday, 5 p.m. sharp at La Guardia. I’ll have my chauffeur drop me off at your place. And I’ll want a martini with –’

‘At least three olives,’ Tony finished the sentence, grinning to himself. He remembers that much, Pepper’s favorite drink. That’s something. ‘See you then.’

‘See you, Tony. Take care,’ she says before hanging up. Tony, already dressed, barely manages to leave his room before JARVIS tells him the couriers will arrive in approximately half an hour. Tony decided to use that time to get some breakfast. Happy is not around – it’s time of his daily morning run – so the apartment is as silent as it was yesterday.

When the doorbell finally rings – Tony mentally swears to remind JARVIS that he could just politely say that someone is at the door – the noise seems to fill every square feet of the space. Tony tears his eyes away from his tablet displaying world news to accompany his already-eaten egg benedict, and goes out to guide the delivery men to the workshop.

‘Just leave it here, it doesn’t matter where,’ he says, gesturing at the empty space in the middle of the room. There are four big boxes and three cases, mostly filled with papers and models: everything from Howard’s research that was discarded before, but looks promising now that Tony has a vague idea what he wants to do.

His mission is to build a normally-sized arc reactor and make it cost-efficient. There is a prototype at one of SI factories but like Stane said, it’s nothing more than a science project; Tony decided – he doesn’t even know how and when that happened, exactly – that this is his job now: finding out how to make it a working clean energy source.

Kind of a legacy, although he doesn’t let himself think that explicitly.

When the men leave, tipped adequately, Tony sighs, staring at the mountain of data suddenly sitting in the middle of his working space. He chooses a random box to open. It’s filled with blueprints and data and equations marked with colors – some scratched out, some underlined – and they don’t make sense at first glance, but Tony knows it won’t take him long to figure it out. That will require a big cup of coffee, though, so Tony fixes himself one before sitting on the workshop’s floor and taking a file marked with number one into his hand. Then, sipping his coffee, he starts to read.

 

 

‘Boss, I know it’s fascinating, whatever it is, but it’s lunch time,’ Tony hears Happy’s voice a few feet behind him and barely manages to stop himself from jumping.

‘Happy, warn a guy, all right?’ he says, marking the page he’s been reading though and closing the file. It’s number four already, six more to go from this box. And then more.

‘I asked JARVIS to remind you to eat like, seven times –’

‘It was three, actually –’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Happy finishes, raising an eyebrow at the ceiling. ‘We’ve got some macaroni from yesterday. I made some salad. Come and get it,’ Happy adds before walking out, leaving the workshop’s door open, and the heavy scent of the scrumptious sauce definitely can’t be ignored so Tony follows him out of the ‘shop.

‘So you’re working on Howard’s things, hmm?’ Happy half asks, half states when they are in the kitchen. Tony nods, his mouth full of food, and Happy makes a face.

‘What?’ Tony asks as soon as he swallows.

‘It’s never a good thing, dabbling with Howard’s things, I tell you,’ Happy says, eying Tony unsurely. ‘You sure you want a trip down the memory lane?’

‘If it’s the only way to find out what I need to find out, which it is, then I’ve got no choice,’ Tony says and it’s as much as admitting that he wishes he didn’t have to do this. He knows there are film tapes in one of the boxes, with Howard’s personal recordings, and he’s pretty sure he’d be happier without seeing them. He’d at least need a few glasses of whiskey before.

‘Big thing?’

‘The biggest thing, I hope. Besides Iron Man,’ Tony says, even though he isn’t sure: Iron Man will only be around as long as he is around. Arc reactor technology will hopefully outlive him by decades.

But Iron Man is _all_ of him.

‘Well, I’m gonna feed you while you work then, since my brain doesn’t exactly work like yours,’ Happy decides, taking their dishes and putting them into the dishwasher. ‘Just please don’t push yourself, okay? Take a break if you need one. Go out and take a breath or something.’

‘You’re very helpful,’ Tony chuckles, but Happy knows it’s fake. They both know he will need a lot of breaks and deep breaths.

 

 

When Tony takes out the tapes in the evening, JARVIS asks him not to watch them right now.

‘I believe you do not have to hurry, sir,’ the A.I. add ** _s_** , sounding oddly delicate. ‘Please just rest today. You have been working on Howard’s item for almost twelve hours –’

‘Yeah, I get it. Not good for my mental health, right?’ Tony asks, rubbing his eyes and stretching his back. It’s hard to believe the whole day has passed already; it didn’t feel like that long.

‘Your words, not mine,’ JARVIS points out smugly and Tony groans.

‘Okay, I guess I can postpone staring at good ol’ dad,’ he decides, standing up and taking just a second to steady himself on his feet. ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right about a break from all this mess,’ he adds, gesturing at the pile of papers-determined-useless behind his desk. ‘I guess I could use dinner.’

Happy makes food and they eat, chatting about Pepper’s new conquests and world news. Then Tony gets to bed, feeling heavy tiredness settle in his bones. Even so, he can’t fall asleep for the next two hours, his head too full with all the numbers and lines he’s been staring at all day long, so JARVIS humors him with some ambient music and holographic Milky Way above Tony’s head.

 

 

In the morning, JARVIS reminds Tony that there is an invitation addressed to Nate Rives. It’s to a masquerade charity ball that S.H.I.E.L.D. is supposed to attend; the money will go to families of those fallen during the New York battle, but Tony can’t see himself going. Even if – even if Steve will surely be there and Tony is sure he could recognize Cap even in the best disguise. But then Steve would probably recognize him, too, from _the way he moves_.

‘Send them a _no_ answer. Not like anyone really expects me to come, anyway,’ Tony says between sips of coffee, its dark bitter flavor burning his tongue pleasantly. ‘And get Butterfingers to prepare dad’s film rolls for me. Have everything I’ll need ready, let ** _’_** s get done with that so we can move on, all right? Tell them to hurry, I think I need to get out of the house in the afternoon, all these closed spaces are starting to give me the creeps.’

‘It should take not more than fifteen minutes to have everything prepared,’ JARVIS informs Tony in his detached mechanical voice; Tony is glad he’s not trying to be too coddling and treat him like a baby. Out of all people in the universe, JARVIS knows best what Tony’s relationship with Howard was like and that Tony would be very happy to never reminisce over some parts of his childhood. But JARVIS knows exactly what and when Tony needs – he’s amazing like that.

Tony watches all the rolls of film – almost two hours of material – with a tumbler filled with whiskey in his hand. He doesn’t drink it though, just wraps his fingers around it tightly, and focuses on every detail that could give him some indication. It feels silly, looking for something without knowing what it is, but when Tony sees it, he suddenly _knows_.

It’s ironic that the words Howard says to him are on the last roll of film. Tony sits with his back straight, feeling slightly nauseous, as Howard says that Tony is his greatest achievement and that he’s limited by technology and that Tony will change the world.

‘Greatest achievement, my ass,’ Tony murmurs, closing his eyes for a moment when the sequence is finished. ‘So, what is that supposed to be, the key to the future? The Expo, is that what it’s all been about?’ he thinks aloud, patting Dummy unconsciously. ‘Something at the Expo? The Expo model – JARVIS, where the hell is the Expo model?’

‘I believe it is in your old CEO office at Stark Industries in Los Angeles, sir.’

‘Have it shipped to me, like, yesterday,’ Tony decides, standing up abruptly. Not a good idea, his head swims, but it calms down after a short moment. ‘Whatever he was thinking about should be there. Somehow, I don’t know – J, have the bots clean the mess up, I’ll leave the rest of the files for another day.’

‘I believe a walk and some fresh air would be beneficial for you,’ JARVIS says amiably. He’s happy, Tony knows, and it makes him smirk.

‘What would you say if I told you I plan to swing by one of those juice places and get myself a years-worth dose of antioxidants?’

‘My servers are sparking with happiness.’

Tony’s smile widens as he exits the workshop. Maybe breathing some fresh _freezing_ air will make his lungs feel better.

 

 

Tony wanders around Manhattan for almost four hours before coming back home. The city is covered with constantly falling snow, crackling under his arctic boots, the same way it always did when he was in Russia in winter. The cold air makes it difficult to breathe for the first few minutes. It feels as if Tony’s lungs were freezing from the inside, but that only makes the city air feel clearer than ever.

There are few people on the streets, compared to the usual crowds. Everyone is hiding from what must be one of the coldest weeks of this winter. That’s good, Tony decides, as he doesn’t have to watch himself not to bump into people. His mind is elsewhere but he can’t quite focus and it feels as if there are thousands of thoughts racing through his head at once, none of them making much sense. It’s tiring but at least the they seem to slowly disappear and untangle with every step he takes.

It’s strangely difficult to walk. Tony only notices that near the end of his trip, when he’s already tired and slightly cold, and it surprises him. It’s the snow, he knows, sticking to his shoes and falling on his shoulders and his hat. It’s the thick, heavy clothes that make every movement similar to moving in an astronaut’s costume, but the sudden awareness surprises him. He doesn’t remember something like this happening before.

 _Before_. JARVIS would probably tell him not to compare things and not to think in those terms, but he’s quite sure it’s impossible.

When Tony is back in the apartment, he immediately sheds the winter clothing and wraps himself with a warm dressing gown. A second later Happy emerges from his room, eyes on the phone he’s typing something on.

‘Did you get something for dinner, boss?’ he asks, frowning slightly. Tony shrugs, but then he remembers Happy is not even looking.

‘No,’ he admits, ‘was I supposed to?’

‘I texted you like three times.’

‘I didn’t take my phone with me, I thought JARVIS would tell you that –’

‘As the matter of fact, sir, you did take your phone with you, it was in the left pocket of your coat all the time, yet you were not aware of the messages you received.’

‘Guess I was deep in my thoughts?’ Tony shrugs, making his way to the kitchen. ‘Well, we get delivery then, not like it’s the first time ever, J, what do we have on speed dial? The metaphorical one, in case you feel like informing me we don’t actually have food on speed dial. Ugh,’ he grunts, looking into the cupboards, there really isn’t much to eat. They are so overdue with a big supermarket trip, oh joy.

‘Kristopher’s is on your _to try_ list, sir. Danish. I believe they do take deliveries for another hour. Or your usuals, which I am sure I don’t have to remind you.’

‘Well,’ Tony considers. ‘I feel like chowder and pie, don’t you, Happy?’

‘You want to treat me with _English_ food?’ Happy asks in response, raising an eyebrow while he finally tucks the Starkphone into his jeans pocket.

‘Well, Nate is supposed to be an Englishman, isn’t he, it would be fitting to eat something English from time to time – besides, why don’t you trust me? You know I know all the best food in town, Happy, I’m hurt by your luck of trust in me –’

‘Get us some iced buns with it and I’ll be _happy_ ,’ Happy says, smirking slightly. Tony rolls his eyes theatrically.

‘You hear the man, J, place the order and everything – and I guess I could read something in the meantime, you have my usual selection?’

‘I have chosen the most relevant and interesting articles out of the seventy six journals you have me follow, sir,’ JARVIS replies eagerly. Tony nods and makes his way to the ‘shop where the display is already waiting for him.

 

 

‘I hate my father,’ Tony tells Rhodey the next evening, after he spent half a day staring at the just-delivered Expo model.

‘I’ll need a drink or ten for this talk,’ Rhodey decides, taking off his coat and giving Tony a prolonged scrutinizing look. ‘But I guess vitamin water will have to do.’

‘Very funny,’ Tony scoffs. ‘C’mon, I need to show you that –’

‘What exactly do you want to show me, Tony?’ Rhodey cuts in, following Tony’s steps. ‘You were pretty vague and I could barely make out your words the way you babbled, it felt just like listening the hungover you figuring out your MIT assignments –’

‘Something like that,’ Tony whispers conspiratorially, opening the door to the workshop in slow motion. ‘Look carefully, you’re about to see what is very probably the only scientific miracle you’ll see in your life, airman.’

Rhodey blinks a few times, shrugs, and then steps into the workshop, Tony just behind him. The room is dark, all light are turned off but various control diodes – and the gigantic hologram hanging in the middle of the room, taking most of the space. Rhodey stops, cocks his head and stays silent for a long moment.

‘What am I looking at?’

‘You philistine,’ Tony scoffs good-naturedly, perfectly aware that he asked the same question about three hours earlier. ‘This, my dear friend, is me rediscovering an unknown element.’

‘That bastard,’ Rhodey murmurs, but Tony hears the words anyway. Rhodey would connect Tony’s first words, of course, to _re_ discovering. He knew Howard, too, and he’s become very good at reading the man.

And at reading Tony.

‘JARVIS says it’s impossible to synthesize, of course, but I’ve already got a few ideas,’ Tony says a little bit maniacally. This – this is what he’s been hoping for so much. If the new element works as it should, according to simulations he ran with JARVIS, it should be a perfect replacement for palladium in the arc core and would last much, _much_ longer. That would finally make the reactor cost effective and _that_ would mean a clean energy source that could be commercially used.

‘Can you wait for the weekend with potential blowing us both up? I’ve got a few more things to do this week so no taking days off,’ Rhodey says, raising an eyebrow. Tony grins.

‘I was thinking building a particle accelerator in Howard’s shop in Stark Mansion would be a great idea. Pepper is the manager of the property while I’m – while Stark is away, that is; she would let us in. And if things blow up, well, no loss, really.’

‘Really,’ Rhodey repeats skeptically but when he sees the face Tony is very deliberately making, he shakes his head with resignation. ‘Well, I’ll only be handling you screwdrivers and lifting things, anyway, so it’s your call. I’m in –’

‘I knew you would be –’

‘– But only if you promise me that you are going to obey JARVIS’ safety protocols _completely_.’

‘All right, I will,’ Tony says, and it’s his turn to roll his eyes. If it matters that much to Rhodey he might as well. ‘Want a run through the details of this baby?’ he asks, gesturing at the still-present hologram.

‘Stupid question,’ Rhodey declares and steps forward. Tony follows him inside the bluish sphere and gestures at the ceiling. JARVIS starts talking.

 

 

Pepper says she can let them into the Stark Mansion, no problem. Tony could sneak them both inside but then it would be difficult to transport all the pieces of machinery they need without anyone noticing and Pepper can just ask to have them delivered to the Mansion without any questions. That makes everything easier and Tony is a fan of easy at the moment.

She says she wants to be there, too, because she doesn’t spend enough time with Tony and Rhodey. Tony agrees, of course, silently marveling at how she’s changed in the last few years. She’s always been a strong and amazing woman, but now she is… tougher. That might be a good word. Like nothing in the world scares her, even potentially lethal science experiments. If it’s an act, it’s a damn good one; Tony knows because he’s taught himself to look out for that.

‘I’ve got food for when you’re finished,’ she tells them as soon as Tony and Rhodey walkinside the vast entrance hall. There is a perfect picnic basket sitting on the floor next to Pepper’s high heel-clad feet. ‘My new assistant, she’s a sandwich wizard, I swear, I haven’t loved anything as much as her pastrami and graham bun canapés – at least not since those pulled pork sandwiches. You know, Tony, the ones you had me get you every day for forty two days you spent in New York a few years ago.’

‘You’re an angel,’ Tony decides, giving Pepper a short hug, she keeps her arms wrapped around his thin frame for a few seconds longer.

‘We’re glad you could have some time off, Pepper,’ Rhodey adds, smiling at her and she nods.

They go to the basement workshop and start on assembling the accelerator – all the parts are already waiting for them down there, so it’s the easy part now, putting them together. Tony and JARVIS spent two afternoons designing the accelerator the way it would work _and_ would be as safe as an experimental device can be. Tony probably wouldn’t go to such lengths about safety normally, but now it’s Rhodey and Pepper in the room, too, not only Tony, and he won’t ever risk something happening to them.

Pepper stays for maybe half an hour but she can’t really help with the assembly, even with her heels off, so she goes upstairs to watch TV for some time. As soon as she steps out of the room, Rhodey speaks up.

‘How are things with Steve, by the way?’ he asks innocently and Tony very much wants to drop the coil he’s holding and pretend it was by accident.

‘I’m going to make a Nobel-worth breakthrough in science today and you want to talk about _that_?’ he asks accusingly, checking the coil’s position with a sprit level. Perfect.

‘That bad?’

‘Actually, no, not really, Tony admits, biting his lip as he’s starting to connect the coils. ‘He called, told me a few things, invited me to pizza now that he knows Iron Man is Nate, you know, we can both eat if I come by as Nate. So far it was okay.’

‘Mhm,’ Rhodey murmurs, eyes focused on work, and he lets the subject drop which Tony is thankful for.

It isn’t long before Pepper comes back with a martini glass in hand, filled with what looks like tropical juice. She sits on one of the workbenches, legs dangling, and stares at Tony and Rhodey as they are working; it’s been three hours and they are almost done – the prismatic accelerator is deceptively easy to build – and they are both in tank tops by now, sweaty and tired. Tony is aware that Rhodey has been doing all the heavy lifting for him and he’s thankful. He’s feeling okay, better than he’s expected, and that makes him smile all the time as they work.

Creating, building, making things with his own hands gives him the rush that nothing else does.

‘Done,’ Tony declares half an hour later when all the coils are connected and the prism and all other pieces are in place. ‘Now we’ll synthesize a small piece of the new metal, whatever we decide to call it,’ he tells, turning to Pepper. Rhodey hands her a pair of protective goggles. ‘I’ll put it into a small reactor, like the one here,’ he says, tapping at his chest, ‘and we’ll run every possible kind of tests on it with J. It should work perfectly but you know, science, you never know unless you conduct a few experiments.’

‘More like a few dozen,’ Tony hears Rhodey mumble and he grins. True.

‘Come on, we’re doing this,’ he says and nods at JARVIS who is temporarily installed in the lab. ‘We good?’

‘Yes, sir,’ the A.I. replies crisply and Tony moves a step away to let Rhodey do the honors and turn the valve.

What happens in the next few minutes really feels more like magic than science because by the end Tony takes the new metal, still warm to touch, and lets JARVIS do a quick scan to make sure everything worked.

And then the A.I. confirms that it’s a new element.

‘This is gonna be my legacy, Pep,’ Tony says, turning the triangular piece between his thumb and forefinger. ‘I’ve been thinking – I’ve been wanting something to leave for everyone when I’m gone, when Stark is gone. This is going to be my legacy for Stark Industries. We’re gonna make it work and it’ll change this fucking world when I’m not here.’

‘Tony, don’t talk like that –’ Pepper starts, but then cuts off abruptly. Tony turns around, wondering why she wouldn’t finish the sentence, and he sees Rhodey squeezing her hand so tightly that his knuckles are white.

Tony smiles, it’s a half-sad smile, but it’s a genuine one.

‘That’s one good thing my dad did, I’ve got to admit,’ he says, walking out from inside the coil circle, and puts the triangle into Pepper’s hand. ‘Don’t worry,’ he continues in an almost-whisper, ‘it’s not gonna be that soon.’

‘It better not be, _Mister Stark_ , because I’m not being left with all your paperwork to manage by myself _again_ ,’ she says, her lip trembling the slightest bit. Tony sighs, eying Rhodey unsurely.

‘Well, I’ll try, I guess,’ he says and then clasps his hands. ‘But now, isn’t it picnic time? I’m famished and let me tell you, that’s something coming from me,’ he says, blinks a few times, and the next second there are Rhodey’s arms wrapping around him.

‘You idiot,’ Rhodey says warmly, but his eyes are firm. Tony smiles lopsidedly.

‘Sorry,’ he mumbles and he _is_ sorry. If he knew his knees would just give out like that, he’s at least lean on something.

A moment later, with Rhodey’s help, Tony sinks into the soft padded chair.

‘It’s just – I guess I need a minute, you know, the adrenaline rush – we’ve just had a breakthrough –’

‘Shut up,’ Pepper orders him and handles him a glass of cold water, Tony has no idea where it came from, but he accepts it gratefully. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Just crashing from an adrenalin rush, I guess,’ he admits and drinks the rest of the water, the steady cold sensation of the liquid helps him focus; it’s a strange discovery, but a pleasant one. He accepts a piece of chocolate candy from Pepper, not really surprised she’d have that one her. A few moments later he feels ready to go upstairs and get his picnic share, and then maybe go home and lie down and listen to JARVIS’ steady voice talking science to him. Yes. That sounds perfect.

 

 

On Tuesday the 1st there is a monthly team meeting and Tony awaits it impatiently: they are finally moving past _what we did_ towards _what to do_ and that’s exactly what he prefers to think about. Tony smiles at Steve when he sees him. Steve waves back and even if his eyes are a bit distant, as if his mind is somewhere else, the greeting is easy and natural and Tony likes that, too.

Phil is professional and focused as always, ignoring Clint’s stares and an occasional rustle of a chips bag calmly.

‘We don’t have anything for the whole team for this month, unless something unexpected happens, as always. There are a few individual things this time, though,’ he adds, opening another file on the top of the previous one and looking through the papers. ‘Steve, Natasha, this is for you – we’ll need you in Russia for a few weeks,’ he says, sliding two pieces of paper towards them. Level 6, Tony notices.

‘So I’m sitting here and going stir crazy again?’ Clint questions, a frown making its way across his face.

‘You and me, we’ll be taking a trip to visit Jane Foster in New Mexico, she asked for a meeting so we’ll give her one.’

‘Awesome,’ Clint grins enthusiastically, nodding to himself. ‘Is Darcy going to be around? Please, please tell me she’ll be around,’ he adds in a half-singing voice and Phil groans. Tony hasn’t met this Darcy but now he’s pretty curious about who is she to make Phil react like that.

‘Iron Man, we’ve got something for you, too, it’s pretty urgent,’ Phil says, putting a file in front of Tony who is sitting on the man’s right. He nods and opens it, skimming through the text as Bruce tells the team his plans for the month; Hulk isn’t exactly the one to be sent to a covert missions.

Level 6, Bosnia, it says on the top of the file. Tony is glad it’s not Middle East again; it’s so much easier to fly for six hours instead of twelve.

Towards the end of the meeting Tony looks at Steve subtly – not that anyone would notice anyway, given the helmet – to see if Cap indicates that he wants to talk or something. Before they can actually exchange a word, Phil calls Steve and Natasha to stay with him and talk about the mission. It will probably take a long time since the mission will take a few weeks, according to Phil’s earlier words. So Tony gives them all a nod, makes his way to the roof and flies off.

 

 

He has his chance to talk to Steve on the usual first Sunday sparring session that comes just two days later. On Saturday, Tony spends a few long hours at Riverside and back at home he looks at the new element’s – he hasn’t decided on a name yet – experimental results and starts to work on blueprints for a big reactor with a new core. He needs precise calculations for the core’s size and shape and the work is more theoretical that he would like, at this point, so it goes slowly. Tony finally goes to sleep around 2 a.m., after several cups of tea, and when he wakes up it’s time to go to the HQ.

He’s feeling a bit tired from yesterday’s five hours of playing with a bunch of hyperactive kids, but JARVIS helps a lot during fights anyway, so everything goes fine. Even Hulk comes out _to play_ , like he calls it, so Tony has a few rounds against him. Hulk is very fond of Iron Man, at least as much as green rage monster can be. He’s learning to communicate more and more efficiently with each time he’s out, so Tony calls the whole training a definite win.

When Iron Man is done with his training rounds and he’s watching Spider Man versus Black Widow, a _very_ interesting thing to see, Steve comes up to him and leans against the wall, wrapping his arms on his chest.

‘I like seeing how they adjust their techniques to whoever they are fighting,’ Steve says and Tony finds himself nodding. ‘This looks more like acrobatics than an actual fight, their agility is almost scary. Compared to us.’

‘You’re still better at it than me in the armor,’ Tony notes truthfully. ‘I’m pretty sure Widow could’ve stuck a knife into Spidey’s side a few times already, if she really wanted.’

‘And he could’ve incapacitated her with the web while she was doing one maneuver or another,’ Steve adds, cracking a smile. ‘Did you – did you get my message?’ he adds in a quieter voice. Tony closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. He is pretty sure that if JARVIS could, he’d smile at him reassuringly.

‘Yes, I did, and I get it. What you wanted to say. I don’t really want to comment on those things, you know, if you don’t mind,’ Tony says, observing Steve’s face closely. Steve just nods sharply. ‘But I think pizza would be great. It’s our thing, isn’t it? And besides, we’re a bit behind with our modern life classes, right?’

‘That we are,’ Steve chuckles and flinches at the sudden move from Widow. Spider Man is tough, Tony has to admit, most people would’ve given up by now because he seems to be losing, but it’s a thin line. They’ll probably end it in a draw. Tony suspects Spidey _could_ win, if he wanted to, but he’s playing some angle Tony doesn’t exactly understand.

‘You have any questions?’

‘I always have questions, even after all those months,’ Steve replies sheepishly. ‘History is all right, and most of the social thing, but I still don’t get the point of most of the pop-culture things.’

‘That might be because there isn’t much point. Besides fun. Different kinds of fun.’

‘I guess,’ Steve agrees just as Phil stands up.

‘Call it a draw, now, or I’ll have Hulk separate you,’ he shouts at Spider Man and Widow and they stop fighting immediately, frozen in mid-movement, and  nod at each other before getting back to the floor and walking separate ways.

‘He’d have won,’ Tony whispers, it sounds pretty strange in Iron Man’s metallic voice, and Steve frowns pensively. ‘But don’t tell Natasha I said that.’

‘She’s angry because she knows it,’ Steve whispers back, ‘but then he has spider sense –’

‘But Natasha doesn’t care,’ Tony finishes the sentence and Steve nods in agreement. ‘So what now, we get to hide in your rooms and eat some four-cheeses?’

‘I always wondered what _your_ favorite flavor was,’ Steve states smugly. Oh. And Tony wanted him to try guessing. He has to think about what he’s saying sometimes, though if he wants to play this little details game.

Ijon orders a four-cheese and pepperoni with cheese-stuffed crust, as well as enough garlic bread to sate Steve’s appetite. They wait for the delivery in the living room, exchanging some light meaningless words and trying hard not to tackle anything delicate when they are in a _public_ space.

As soon as they are in Steve’s private rooms, doors locked, Tony lets the armor unwrap from his body. It leaves him feeling strangely exposed, but he knows it’s just because he’s still a bit nervous about this whole situation.  He wishes he wasn’t because this means he’s not sure. This means that as much as he’s trying to persuade himself that everything Steve said is already in the past, he still knows it’s forced and a half-lie.

Steve smiles at him warmly, gesturing at the steaming pizza, now sitting on the table, and Tony feels himself relax. He puts on his glasses and climbs onto a chair, and grabs a slice of four cheeses.

‘I’ve never seen you eating,’ Steve says before taking bite of his piece. Tony chews and swallows his bite and then takes another one.

‘ _Is this that strange_?’ he signs, having put the pizza down, and Ijon translates for Steve.

‘No, it just never occurred to me before a second ago. It just adds to the mystery, I guess.’

Tony laughs as that, he guesses Steve is right about that one. Iron Man is a secret by definition and Nate is hardly ever around and all he does is create things that should be impossible to create, and sign. That’s bound to make people wonder about him.

‘About your message,’ Tony signs when he’s done with his three slices. There is more than half of the pizza left, but he can’t eat anymore, so he shoves it towards Steve between signs. ‘I just wanted to tell you, since it never came up, that I do have people looking out for me. A few old friends. They are very protective.’ Tony sighs, letting his hands rest for a brief moment. ‘And fussy. So don’t worry.’

‘Do they know that you are, you know? Iron Man?’

‘Yes. They’ve known for some time.’

‘Not from the beginning then,’ Steve notes, frowning slightly. ‘Were they okay with that? How did they react?’

‘They were angry,’ Tony replies and chuckled drily. That’s true, even if it doesn’t begin to explain the range of everything emotion-wise that was going on between Tony and the rest at that time. ‘But they eventually got it. Being a superhero is life-changing,’ Tony adds, wishing that Ijon would stress the word superhero like JARVIS would, reading Tony’s mind. JARVIS knows Tony is far from considering himself a superhero.

‘They must be very strong, amazing people,’ Steve concludes, taking a piece of Tony’s pizza and looking up at him. ‘You sure you won’t be eating this?’

‘I’m okay,’ Tony signs and pours himself some coke instead. Trust Steve to have those small glass bottles sitting in his personal mini fridge.

Steve looks like he wants to say something more, commenting on Tony’s slimness, but he doesn’t speak up. Instead they discuss fights they observed in the morning, with Ijon translating everything for Cap in a long stream of words. He’s getting better at impersonating a human being, making the speech less flat and mechanical, but it’s still far from sounding as real as JARVIS. It doesn’t have to sound as real as JARVIS though, Tony wouldn’t want that, even if he likes Ijon a lot and sometimes thinks of him as a small puppy.

‘So, this is working out somehow, right? Or am I – am I reading it wrong?’ Steve asks when he’s done with food, wiping his hands on a perfectly white napkin, eyes cast down.

‘Yes. We’re friends, Steve, and that’ll always work out.’

‘Good.’

‘Now, are you ready for another lesson? Any particular questions?’ Tony asks, standing up to stretch his legs a bit.

‘I was wondering if you could teach me how to use this,’ Steve says, walking across the room and looking for something in a deep drawer of his desk. When he turns around, Tony can see that he’s clutching a new-looking DSRL camera in his hands. ‘Phil got this for me after we talked about popular ways to make art nowadays. He said photography is a big thing and what I remember about it is… Well. You can imagine. Mostly black and white pictures and developing film in dark rooms.’

‘I’ve never worked on one like this,’ Tony declares, looking closely at the brand new camera ‘But I’m sure we can work it out. So, you do know the basics of photography, right?’ he signs, gesturing at Steve to sit with him on the sofa, and then they get deep into discussion.

Steve is really quick to learn all the tricks and Tony has to admit that he’s got a great eye for composition and lightning, it’s obvious even after seeing just a few of the photos he takes once he learns what all the controls and buttons do.

‘Thank you, N-a-t-e,’ Steve signs when they’re done with the lesson for the day, bringing a smile to Tony’s face.

‘You’re welcome,’ he signs back and Steve recognizes the message. ‘I can’t wait to see more of your photos, you know. You’re really good with a camera.’

‘Well, thanks to you,’ Steve counters, placing said object back on the desk.

‘You should come by my workshop sometime. When you’re back from you mission. There are some toys you’ll like playing with, I’m sure.’ Ijon says for Tony as he walks up to the armor and lets it wrap around him snugly.

‘Thank you,’ Steve says softly, opening the door for Iron Man like a proper gentleman. ‘See you when I’m back, then.’

‘Stay safe,’ Iron Man says firmly, turns around and heads for the roof.

 

 

For the next few days, Tony works on going through the rest of Howard’s things and adds last lines of code for Fury’s A.I. and manages to get finished with both just before midnight on Wednesday evening, rewarding himself with half an inch of his favorite whiskey at the bottom of the glass.

‘Send Fury a message that I want a meeting with him ASAP, J,’ Tony tells JARVIS sometime later, wrapped with a thick blanket and watching some new sci-fi movie JARVIS chose for him without paying much attention to what’s happening on the screen.

‘Message sent,’ JARVIS tells him and falls silent for a long moment. ‘Have you chosen the name for the A.I. yet, sir? He is ready now and after we both check if everything is fine, he will be going out into the big world.’

‘I’m not giving him to Fury tomorrow, not yet,’ Tony says, closing his eyes. ‘It’s a bit of bargaining chip, or maybe a bribe kind of something. Sorry, J, my brain’s not here – I mean, Fury wants our A.I. _badly_ and he is willing to risk me knowing about it and having access to it. He has to know I’ve got access to all A.I.s I work on; it’s only logical, I’m not stupid or naïve enough to let them go without surveillance, right? So he wants it badly. And there is no one else who can make him one. _And_ he’s hiding something.’

‘So you want to use the A.I. to get to know what he is hiding,’ JARVIS concludes correctly.

‘I want to know how much he suspects and how much he knows.’

‘About you,’ JARVIS adds tonelessly and he’s right again.

‘He’s _the_ spy, he is bound to know something, I’ll give him that much. While S.H.I.E.L.D. might be mildly competent at times as a whole, Fury keeps the mess together and working.’

‘I think I will be entertained by your encounter,’ a slight pause, ‘tomorrow at 8 p.m. at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.’

‘I hope you will,’ Tony says before removing the big pillow he was nestled into from behind his back and laying down in bed. JARVIS turns the TV off and the room is filled with sudden ringing silence, but this time Tony falls asleep with ease.

 

 

‘I take this visit means you have some news about my A.I. for me, Rives,’ Fury states as soon as Nate closes the doors of Director’s office. Tony is wearing black jeans and a crisp light grey shirt that reminds him almost too much of many times he was stepping onto a battle ground with one journalist or senator or another.

He’s missed this feeling of being in control. This is how it feels, despite Fury’s usual angry scowl and overbearing presence.

‘You could say so,’ Tony quickly types on his tablet and sits down in front of Fury.

‘Feel at home,’ Fury mutters, narrowing his eye and putting some papers that were on the top of the desk into a fingerprint-opened drawer.

Tony settles the tablet on the table, directed at him, and quickly makes sure JARVIS can see him properly.

‘The A.I. is ready,’ he signs and JARVIS says his words aloud, watching Tony’s movements via the tablet’s camera – he would use S.H.I.E.L.D. surveillance system but Fury is too paranoid to install cameras in his personal space. He’s probably right about that one. ‘I haven’t named him yet, but that’s unimportant.’

‘What _is_ important, then?’ Fury asks slowly, leaning back in the chair.

‘I need you to realize what you asked me to do.’

‘I asked you to make me an A.I., your point is?

‘Do you know why I made Ijon for Avengers?’ Tony asks, JARVIS conveying the question perfectly in Nate’s official voice. ‘Because I trust them with him. I trust my creations completely, more than you could ever imagine and that’s no exaggeration. They were willing to be under constant observation by a _system_ I created and they were willing to be managed and protected by said system. They trusted me and I trusted them. Do you trust me, Director?’

‘I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t –’ Fury starts, sounding irritated, as if he wanted to add _that’s obvious_ , but Tony cuts in before he can.

‘Do _I_ have a reason to trust _you_?’

There is a moment of heavy silence, then Fury moves closer to the desk and rests his arms on the top, leaning towards Tony.

‘Have I ever given you a reason _not_ to trust me?’

‘Have you ever given me a reason to trust you?’ Tony counters, unmoved by Fury trying to be dominating. Maybe it would mean something if Tony has anything to lose, and he doesn’t. Fury knows that.

‘What do you want?’ he barks, moving back to his armchair.

‘I want you to tell me how much you know about me,’ Tony says simply, smiling slightly. He knows his smile is a bit too similar to the one he offered Stane just after he told the man about leaking the truth to media.

‘I know you’re Iron Man,’ Fury replies in the same tone, without hesitation. Tony nods. He honestly expected as much as that, with Fury’s resources. It doesn’t exactly matter how long the Director has known, not right now at least.

Tony observes him closely for a few long moments, savoring the rising tension. Fury seems to be thinking hard, observing Tony with his one good eye, but it feels like he’s staring through him and not at him. Tony can’t help but notice, for the first time, how old the man looks. It never occurred to him to think about Fury’s age but he knows he created S.H.I.E.L.D. with Howard and that must have been decades ago.

He doesn’t voice his thought, though, waiting for Fury to add something. There are unspoken words hanging in the air and it makes Tony’s skin tingle with anticipation.

‘I’m willing to let you be the only other person in this universe – in all of the fucking universes – to have access to something that would be painfully private, and you’re still doing this? You’re still asking me for proof of good faith? What exactly are you asking for?’

‘It’s like I’m handling you my child, a newborn baby, and you’re wondering if I want proof? Of course I want proof,’ Tony signs and JARVIS says it for him firmly, loudly, clearly. Tony laughs soundlessly. ‘I know you can go on without the A.I. and I can just have him at home with me and it wouldn’t change anything. I will never regret the hours I spent on creating him. But you want him despite the risks. I want to know why you’d trust me that much.’

‘I could have you killed in an instant if you betrayed me,’ Fury states easily and makes it so smooth it doesn’t sound like the threat it is.

‘It’s sweet you think so,’ Tony signs and smiles again. ‘I want to know why you let Nate Rives be level seven clearance as soon as he joined S.H.I.E.L.D., and don’t tell me it’s because you needed someone like him.’

‘I strongly suspected he was Iron Man from the beginning,’ Fury says, standing up, and starts to pace slowly. Tony never takes his eyes off the man. ‘And then, you never did anything wrong. _Never_. As either of them.’

‘That’s it?’ Tony wonders with his hands, JARVIS making his voice sounds skeptical.

‘That A.I. of yours makes your voice sound awfully real, Rives,’ Fury notes drily, his eyes still locked on something undetermined above Tony’s head. ‘And yes, that’s it.’

‘Bullshit.’

‘And I think you might give me the help I need.’

‘And?’

‘And the answers I want,’ Fury adds quickly, finally meeting Tony’s eyes.

‘Has this been your agenda all this time, or just recently?’

‘It’s a quite recent development, yes,’ Fury admits, playing with the holster at his hip unconsciously. ‘There’s been a problem with wild weapons that keep turning up in various places. They’re dangerous and experimental and they remind me of something more than I like.’

‘So you want me to _consult_ on that,’ Tony tries to keep a grin from crawling onto his face. This is a game he has to thread carefully, being this close to finding an answer. Or answers. ‘What makes you think I have any experience in that kind of thing? Experimental weapons?’

Director makes a long pause, smirking the slightest bit, which it makes him look ominous and pretty unlike himself.

‘Well, you did so damn well with the Chitauri ones, _Rives_. And I’m willing to trust you there,’ Fury finally replies in a low voice.

Tony stares at him for a moment and then laughs hollowly again.

That fucking _bastard_.

‘I get it. I will consult,’ for a spilt of second considering just _speaking_ but he signs instead, standing up abruptly, still in JARVIS’ field of vision. ‘But only because I’ve already started working on the case on my own. Are the weapons here?’

‘No.’

‘We’ll get to that, then,’ Tony decides. ‘I’ll come over with the A.I. in a few days, I’ll let you know. And remember that if anything, _anything_ goes the way I wouldn’t like – I trust your judgment on this – you will regret it.’

‘I’m sure I will,’ Fury says, sounding more serious than mocking.

Tony extends his hand and Fury takes it, wrapping his calloused fingers around Tony’s tightly and looking at him intently for a short moment before shaking the hand and moving back to his chair.

‘Have a good evening,’ JARVIS says for Tony before he puts the tablet into the protective sleeve and walks out of the room, leaving the doors ostentatiously open.

‘Prepare whichever Mark will keep me warm, baby, I’m gonna go flying when I get home,’ Tony tells JARVIS via his phone as soon as he gets inside his car. The armor is waiting in the middle of the workshop when he steps inside, dressed in a soft undersuit. It wraps itself around Tony’s body tightly, comfortingly, and a moment later he’s in the air, full invisibility mode engaged.

‘Faster,’ he tells JARVIS as soon as he’s outside the city perimeter and the A.I. obliges, breaking the sound barrier and steadying at Mach 2, not the suit’s fastest option, but it’s satisfying. ‘No freezing issues?’

‘You shouldn’t even ask,’ JARVIS replies, showing Tony the appropriate information on the HUD. Tony stops the urge to nod at that, it wouldn’t be very comfortable at the moment.  ‘Are you angry with Director Fury?’

‘Damn right I am,’ Tony assures JARVIS fiercely, still seeing the man’s half-smug, half-penetrating stare. ‘I’m mad. I’m – I don’t know exactly what to think right now, you know? I’ll have to figure out what to say the next time I see him, we both know I shouldn’t be allowed to speak my mind sometimes,’ Tony wonders aloud and JARVIS hums approvingly. ‘It’s still a tough game we’re playing here.’

‘But now you know you can trust him.’

‘I guess. Since we both have so much blackmail material about the other one right now, it calls for the deepest trust there is.’

‘You are reading my mind, sir,’ JARVIS comments drily, making Tony laugh, and speeds up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> I don't know if I mentioned this, but your words of encouragement and support work magic in my head. Sometimes I can't quite believe this story has grown so big (the series now has the word count I estimated for all 13 parts). And you're the only reason I know it's worth it to keep writing <3


	2. II

Tony wakes up at ten the next morning, after coming home at around five from his flight halfway across the country. He managed to clear his head even if he didn’t come up with an exact list of things to call Fury the next time he sees the man. He did decide that the man deserves his _best spy_ badge though. 

The questions list is pretty much ready, though, and it’s long.

‘There are some leftover pancakes,’ Happy says as soon as Tony walks out of his room into the living space. ‘Long night?’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Tony mutters, moving towards the kitchen. His face brightens at the sight of the huge stack of thick pancakes sitting on the table; there are fruit slices waiting for him in a plastic container and they look yummy enough that he chooses them rather than jam or syrup.

‘I had a very interesting talk yesterday,’ he says, the words muffled, and then swallows a bite of the food. ‘With _Director_ Fury.’

‘ _The_ spy?’ Happy frowns, closing the newspaper he was browsing and looks up at Tony. ‘Anything you didn’t want him to know that he knows?’

‘You could say so,’ Tony admits and raises an eyebrow, looking at Happy challengingly. Happy, being himself, catches on immediately.

‘No,’ he states, eyes wide, and Tony nods at him in a jerky movement. ‘ _Yes_?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, he deserves _the spy_ , then, I’ll give him that –’

‘Happy! You’re supposed to be on my side,’ Tony says accusingly, taking up his fork again and jabbing the pancake ferociously. ‘But well, I guess you might be right. A bit.’

‘Are you gonna do anything about that?’

‘He knows I’ve got access to all his databases, so we’re even on that. So we’re just going to have a pleasant chat, I think. At some point.’

‘Wish I could watch,’ Happy sighs, opening the paper again. ‘JARVIS, will you let me watch?’

‘If you want to, Mister Hogan. It is a highly entertaining material, as long as your mental approach towards it is right.’

‘Sometimes I hate you, J,’ Tony murmurs, back to eating his pancakes. It’s strange that he’s feeling so calm right now. He should probably be more… panicky or something, but he just can’t bring himself to care. He’s a bit too tired and too sore for that and the thought of the mission he has to leave for tomorrow doesn’t make it any better.

‘You love me more than you could ever hate me,’ JARVIS replies cheekily, making Happy snicker, and Tony inclines his head in silent agreement.

‘By the way, I have a meeting today, right? At twelve? Wasn’t it today?’

‘It is today, sir. I believe Miss Annik will be waiting for you at Riverside at noon sharp.’

‘You’re going out in this weather?’ Happy pipes up, not looking away from what he’s reading. It looks like the kids section but Tony can’t be sure: newspapers are weird sometimes.  

‘We’re just going out for a quick walk, the kids can’t exactly be out for a long time, they’re too young for that.’

‘Well, don’t forget your scarf and gloves, boss,’ Happy tells him, giving him a stern look. ‘And be back for dinner, would you?’

‘Yes, _mom_ ,’ Tony rolls his eyes and puts a piece of mango in his mouth. 

When he’s done with food, he goes over the mission updates that Phil sent him earlier in the morning that include some missing details Tony inquired about. The good thing is that the mission isn’t very complicated:he just has to pick some things up from an abandoned base of a local terrorist organization that S.H.I.E.L.D. took care of recently – before anyone else can get there. Some of the items are experimental and rather fragile, hence Iron Man coming in instead of regular agents, and they need to be transported out of the country to the nearest base in Vienna pretty quickly, so the suit’s speed comes in handy.

The bad thing is that Tony isn’t exactly feeling well and as much as he hates to admit it, he’d rather swallow some painkillers and banter with JARVIS all day long in one of his workshops. But he can do this, he can finish the mission, he’s not going to be a baby.

 

 

‘ _Hello, Annik_ ,’ he signs as soon as he sees her. Happy was right to remind him to take gloves – he threw a pair at Tony when he was dressing up, a logical choice in this weather would be to wear his warm mittens, but then signing and typing would be impossible. It’s funny how he still forgets those little details sometimes.

‘Hello,’ Annik says, smiling, and the kids all sign _hello_ to him. It’s amazing how easily they get used to simple signs with Nate being around as rarely as he is. JARVIS prepared him a file about studies of the usage of sign language to communicate with babies before they begin to speak, though, so it shouldn’t be that surprising.

And Mikayla, Lino and Layla aren’t babies anymore. They are toddlers now and every time Tony sees them, they seem to be so much bigger and smarter. It’s strange to think that the first time he’s met them was almost a year ago. They remind him of how much time has passed more than anything else and it’s more bittersweet than anything else.

They go for a quick walks, just as planned, and it’s mostly silent besides the children’s excited babble about the snow. Tony teaches them the sign for _snow_ and they repeat it clumsily, with more focus than he’d expect, and it the party gets even quieter when they sign rather than shout to each other.

After fifteen minutes everyone is cold and refreshed, so Tony scoops up Layla and Annik takes Lino and Mikayla’s hands and they go into one of those family-friendly cafés and sit in a far corner. The kids get warm tea while Tony and Annik choose hot chocolate, trying to explain to the waitress that no, they are not a couple, not even close.

The place is warm and cozy and the kids instantly get some crayons and paper to play with so it’s very satisfying. That’s probably first time ever they are in such place so they constantly wriggle in their seats, looking around and talking in their private child-speak between sheets of paper they go through in the next half hour.

‘I’m glad you could find some time to go out with us again. It’s been too long, the kids are so fond of you.’

‘I hope we can do this soon,’ Tony types quickly, letting JARVIS read it out. ‘Maybe the weather will be more pleasant by then.’

‘I certainly hope so, the kids are growing stir-crazy sitting cooped up in the house, even the older ones.’

After they got Lino all bundled up they leave the place; it’s only five minutes’ walk to Riverside so before they know it they’re standing in the warm hall of the building.

‘We don’t get to see you this Sunday, if I remember correctly?’

‘ _I have a previous engagement, sorry_ ,’ Tony types quickly. ‘ _But the next one should be as usual._ ’

‘See you then,’ Annik says, looking away from the tablet screen and signing him _goodbye_ , and the kids follow her suit. Tony signs them all _bye bye_ and leaves, shrugging slightly as soon as he steps into the freezing air. It’s half past one, the nearby store’s clock says, so he still has plenty of time before dinnertime.

‘Check which bus will take me from here to the big ‘shop,’ he murmurs into the phone, pretending to talk to someone, and a second later JARVIS has the information ready for him on the screen. It takes longer than it should to commute, the city is still too covered with snow to function normally, but Tony doesn’t mind. Watching people, subtly of course, will never get old.

‘J, the armor for tomorrow is ready like it should be?’ Tony asks when he’s inside the workshop, hanging his coat by the door.

‘Yes, sir. I have checked all the parameters and everything seems to function perfectly.’

‘Good, good,’ Tony murmurs, rolling his sleeves up and making his way across the room. When he gets to the workstation with his half-ready robot prototype, he nods to himself with content and waves as J to pull up the schematics for him on the nearest screen.

‘Are you going to finish RS-19 unit?’ JARVIS asks after a few minutes, when Tony is finishing getting his tools that have been scattered around the place.

‘There’s no deadline, I get to do it when I want, so now sounds good,’ Tony says, crouching in front of the robot’s frame to make sure all the necessary wires are already in place. ‘Besides, I really need some distracting and simple handiwork. I’ve been doing too much coding and typing and all the software work recently and my calloused fingers just miss playing with a wrench and a screwdriver, baby.’

‘I know your fondness for hardware,’ JARVIS admits, sounding almost reluctant. Tony stops and looks at the ceiling.

‘Don’t give me that, I’m always gonna like you best,’ he says firmly before turning his eyes back on the robot. ‘And someone has to do the dirty work. Daddy doesn’t mind,’ he adds. JARVIS doesn’t say anything else but a moment later Tony recognizes the first notes of his favorite playlist and it means enough.

 

 

The next evening Tony departs at 10 p.m. in Mark X and at 1 p.m. local time he arrives at the scene of his mission. It’s a research facility, mostly underground, hidden between rocky hills and snow-covered plains, with no big towns nearby and nothing but a flock of crows around.

‘That’s pretty ominous,’ he mutters, scoping the area for any signs of life, but there isn’t anyone but a group of four people travelling in a car a few miles away, making their way south through a ice-covered rocky road. ‘Have I mentioned recently that I hate winter? Like, 95% of the time?’

‘You have mentioned the fact about seventy six times since December 22nd,’ JARVIS informs him flatly, amusing Tony with his manner to say _about_ when he’s in fact citing a very precise number.

‘Mhm,’ Tony murmurs, focusing on the readings displayed on the HUD: he can see the base from where he is now, there are floor plans provided by S.H.I.E.L.D. in front of his eyes. There are possible entrances marked, as well as exit ways, and Tony knows the plan by heart by now – make sure it’s secure, grab, pack together, transport to Vienna base, repeat three times which should be enough according to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s specialists.

It turns out they were a bit wrong about the whole operation. Everything goes perfectly well during the first two trips, Tony even recognizes two New York agents overseeing the op for Fury at the Vienna base.

The third time he gets close to the place, an hour and fifty-six minutes after he left it with package number two, JARVIS informs him that he can detect seven men within the perimeter, and a black helicopter that brought them to the site while Tony was away.

‘Code red, I guess,’ Tony mutters, waiting for JARVIS to gather as much information about the whoever they are, while hovering in the air over the base with all of his anti-radar and invisibility protocols fully engaged. The man are taking the rest of the weapons and putting them one by one into crates that are no doubt going to be transported via the helicopter. They have no organization insignia so Tony can’t tell who they are and there are they from, it’s impossible to even tell their race as they are all covered with thick warm clothing.

‘They seem to be carrying concealed weapons on themselves, sir,’ JARVIS informs Tony a moment later. ‘I suggest you consult Agent Coulson or at least the Vienna base.’

‘You know what they’re gonna say.’

‘I know, sir, and you know that I do not approve of putting you in more danger.’

‘The risks of being a superhero,’ Tony sighs, ‘send them a note we’ll need someone to collect the livestock.’ Then gives JARVIS a sign, and a moment later he’s descending rapidly. It doesn’t take long to hit all the men with tranquilizing darts, even if it requires JARVIS  to maneuver more than normal to make sure they hit the small patches of the men’s exposed skin to maximize the efficiency of the tranquilizing agent. It takes five seconds to work but even as Tony breathes out in relief and turns around to see how much of the weapons the men already removed, he notices a movement out at the edge of his field of vision. A second later something blows up, the force of the explosion sweeping Tony off his feet.

‘One of the men managed to arm one of the bombs before he dropped unconscious,’ JARVIS steady voice cuts through the buzzing in Tony’s head. He can feel a pulsating bruise forming at the top of his forehead from hitting his head against the faceplate when the blast threw him as if he were a sack of potatoes and not a man clad in armor. ‘Sir?’

‘’m here, J, ‘m okay,’ Tony mumbles, trying to focus his eyes. ‘Reactor?’

‘Arc reactor is intact, sir. The integrity of Mark X is not compromised, there are a few dented plates but they do not present any danger.’

‘What was that?’ Tony slurs slightly, sitting up and surveying the area: everything seems to be covered with grey and black explosion marks. None of the men seem to be injured though, whoever used the weapon must have thrown it at Tony before ducking behind a small wall peeking out from under snow. ‘S.H.I.E.L.D.?’

‘A team from the Vienna base will be here in approximately fifty minutes, sir.’

‘Do we have enough darts to keep those bastards asleep?’

‘Yes,’ JARVIS replies simply and Tony lets himself close his eyes and slump a bit inside the suit. ‘I will make sure they stay unconscious.’

‘Thanks, lifesaver,’ Tony mutters, ‘now talk to me, I probably shouldn’t fall asleep on my watch and I need a moment to get up.’

‘Of course,’ JARVIS declares eagerly and starts to recite all the data regarding current situation at the base, the men’s vital signs and status of the S.H.I.E.L.D. team until Tony feels okay enough to stand up again and surveys the area for himself.

The agents take care of everything, including getting the last load of weapons into their jet and after endless reassurances that he’s fine and promises to report to Agent Coulson as soon as he’s in New York, they finally let Iron Man leave for the US.

Tony wishes he could take a long nap before swinging by the HQ but tomorrow he has a meeting with Nate’s primary job buddies and the next morning he starts radiation, so postponing the inevitable sounds impossible.

He manages to get through the debrief without too many questions and concerned stares from Phil and when he is released home, he leaves the HQ without as much as stopping for a moment, he’s not feeling up to Steve’s or Bruce’s concern right now.

‘No signs of concussion, sir,’ JARVIS assures Tony after a quick brain scan he does in the workshop, sounding more relieved than an A.I. should be able to.

‘Then I’ll just go to bed,’ Tony mutters, taking of his clothes absentmindedly, and a moment later he’s asleep.

 

 

‘Are you feeling okay?’ Levy asks Tony when he enters her office on Monday morning, watching him with unsure face.

‘Yeah, just had a tough weekend,’ he replies easily, sliding into the chair in front of her. ‘You know what kind of tough.’

‘I see,’ she says slowly and then looks back at the file in front of her. ‘I wanted to see you before you go off to radiation for two reasons. I’ll draw blood today and we’ll see if you need a transfusion anytime soon – any headaches, dizziness, vertigo recently?’

‘Not until I hit my head,’ Tony says truthfully, flashing her a shy smile. Levy sighs deeply.

‘All right then, that sounds promising…’ she trails off with just a hint of sarcasm to her voice. ‘I also want to remind you that I’ll need you in the hospital for a few days in a month; we need to do a full check-up, including all the not-so-nice procedures, to see how things are inside you.’

‘You use weird sentences, Doctor,’ Tony comments, playing with his hands in his lap just a little nervously. ‘Yeah, I remember. I’ll make sure no one wants me when you’ll need me, even if it gets complicated; you’ve got my word.’

‘I’m glad,’ Levy states, nodding to herself and skimming through the file. ‘Now, go to the nurses to have your blood drawn before you go upstairs, all right?’

‘I will,’ Tony assures her, standing up, and disappears into the well-lit corridor.

Getting prepped for radiation is routine by now and Tony doesn’t even spare it a thought, doing everything mechanically, mentally cataloguing everything he has to do this week. Fury promised to have the weapons delivered, but without a deadline, so Nate can focus on his no-S.H.I.E.L.D. job. And Pepper would probably be happy to have a look at the progress Tony’s been making on the big reactor. They need to synthesize more of the new element – still nameless, sadly – to start modeling the core before they get to constructing the reactor itself. It needs to be done piece by piece, in small portions, until there’s enough of the metal to melt it down and mold it into the core.

 

 

‘JARVIS, any important news I need to know about?’

‘Not really, sir, unless you count another rise in Stark Industries stocks, thanks to Miss Potts’ great job as the CEO.’

‘Come on, that’s not news,’ Tony chuckles, making his way to the kitchen. He had to leave earlier today to meet with Levy before radiation and he wasn’t feeling like eating in the morning, so now it’s time to get some calories.

‘Sir, I have two S.H.I.E.L.D.-related messages for you,’ JARVIS states a moment later, when Tony is buttering his toast and then waves at the A.I. to continue. ‘Captain Rogers and Agent Romanov have boarded a Quinjet and are officially on their way to Russia.’

‘And the other one?’ Tony asks, hardly understandable, chewing a perfect salty piece of his toast.

‘Spider Man sent you a text wondering if you feel up to, quote, _doing some science_.’

‘I guess I do…’

‘Sir, are you sure that’s a good idea?’ JARVIS wonders questioningly, a note Tony knows too well audible in his metallic voice. ‘Are you feeling –’

‘I’m okay, J, don’t sweat it, I can just pop a few pills if I don’t feel perfect, and besides, tell him to come here. You’re right about one thing you didn’t say, I don’t feel like moving outside my warm apartment again today. And make sure Happy knows he’s got a _day off_.’

‘I am sure Mister Hogan will enjoy a movie or two.’

‘That’s my boy,’ Tony praises JARVIS warmly and goes back to eating. Before he manages to finish the meal, even if it’s a very slow one, Peter knocks on the apartment’s door. Tony wipes his hands and puts on his glasses before nodding at JARVIS. A moment later the door open and Peter is dripping melted snow on the floor.

‘Sorry for that,’ he says sheepishly, gesturing at the small puddle of water, and then takes off his coat.

‘No problem,’ Tony signs and lets JARVIS speak for him. ‘Did you use your super spider abilities to get to my place extra soon or were you in the neighborhood?’

‘Guess,’ Peter shoots cheekily and Tony raises an eyebrow. ‘So, you wanted to show me your little nest?’

‘Too cold to go out,’ Tony explains with a shrug, it’s almost the truth. ‘How do you feel about seeing all the magic that I get to have around all the time in my cozy flat?’

‘If this is just a _cozy flat_ , then I’m just a high school science geek,’ Peter murmurs, not quietly enough, and Tony smirks at the comment and gestures at Peter to follow.

‘You ate breakfast?’

‘Yeah, I did.’

‘Don’t sound so sorry,’ Tony says, opening the workshop doors and letting Peter go inside first. ‘I’ve got a mountain of snacks.’

Tony shows Peter all the tech magic he has in the small ‘shop, excluding Dummy and Butterfingers and You, the three of them are spending some quality time in their mini room, charging and preparing to do their tasks as soon as there is no one from the outside around. While the ‘shop is much smaller than the other one, it has all the coolest toys, Tony would never deprive himself of the fun and he’s never ever ask JARVIS to work with tools that are anyhow short from the best, so there is a lot to see.

The holographic system installed in the room is far superior to the one in the big workshop as Tony’s been working on it since moving in, and it catches Peter’s attention immediately. It can create holograms of the size of the whole room in color – even though there’s still this bluish glow Tony can’t quite eliminate – and it’s all changeable and interactive. Tony shows Peter the games and simulations and some projects that are vague enough to be safe, like some nameless towers he wants Pepper to build one day.

‘This is _so_ much better than The Sims 3,’ Peter declares excitedly when JARVIS instructs him how to make changes to a project, adding floors, changing shapes and adjusting details. ‘You could earn so, so much money if this went widely available.

‘You don’t want to know how much this is worth,’ Tony informs Peter, looking closely at the additions Peter has been installing to his project. It looks like a huge flying house so Tony decides he’s better off not knowing. Peter nods in agreement, probably imagining the numbers in his head, and puts another sour worm into his mouth.

‘It’s good that you don’t have to have clean hands to play with this,’ he comments a moment later, licking the sweet-sour crystals off his fingers. Tony gives him a long look before bursting out laughing, and mentally thanks heavens Peter is so unlike he was at that age.

‘You know, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said the other day,’ Peter says quietly when he’s throwing an empty sour worms bag into a real trashcan. ‘Well, not for what I said, but for saying it, you know –’

‘Do I?’ Tony asks, thinking about all the endless things Peter likes to babble about when he’s excited or nervous or happy, which means most of the time.

‘About Cap,’ Peter admits, looking away. ‘I know you guys had some… disagreements because of that. I should have listened to my aunt, you know. She used to say sometimes it’s so much better not knowing, and I made you know –’

‘We’d get to that talk at some point, anyway,’ JARVIS cuts in, translating Tony’s signing, as Tony moves to stand right in front of Peter. ‘It was bound to happen sooner or later. I’m glad it was sooner. We’ve sorted things out, so I guess I owe you a _thanks_.’

‘So… you guys are cool now?’

‘I think so.’

‘I know Steve called you – he told me - so, are you like, together together?’ Peter asks, looking up to meet Tony’s eyes, and Tony’s startled by how hopeful he sounds. Why would he want them to be together _together_?

‘Not really,’ he admits, watching Peter’s face fall. Good thing that the boy’s got a mask, his face would give him away in a second. ‘Why?

‘It’s nothing. Doesn’t matter. Forget I asked,’ Peter says quickly, turning around and going back to his project, still hovering in the mid-air. ‘I’m glad you’re cool. I hate it when I’ve got to maneuver between hostile people. Anyway, I think it’s time for me –’

‘You sure? Don’t want to stay for lunch? Besides, no work today?’

‘It’s my holiday,’ Peter mumbles, obviously contemplating Tony’s offer. ‘Lunch sounds good, as long as we don’t do any heavy talking.’

‘I don’t talk when I eat, my hands are occupied otherwise and I don’t like my food getting cold,’ Tony replies, rolling his eyes. ‘But I’m sure JARVIS can entertain you.’

‘Have I told you already that JARVIS is the coolest A.I. I’ve even seen, no offence to Ijon, but he’s so _smart_!’

‘Thank you, Mister Parker,’ JARVIS’ own smooth voice says, making Peter jump just a little and smile gleefully. ‘Let me tell you that there is hot lasagna waiting for you in the kitchen.’

‘I said,’ Peter states, smiling at the ceiling and following Tony out of the workshop, ‘ _the best_.’

 

 

The next morning Tony spends two hours throwing up in the bathroom before sun even rises and once it’s time to leave for radiation he feels tired and heavy, as if he didn’t sleep for three days. Happy drives him to the clinic, walks with him as far as he can and then waits right outside the door. Tony doesn’t say anything but he knows Happy knows he’s silently thankful and it’s just difficult for him to say so.

Tony’s only glad his blood work is acceptable so he doesn’t need a transfusion right now, he’s not sure he could sit through it. It feels like his body is itching with some strange restlessness, as if the tiny mark he has on his abdomen from the radiation burns irrationally, and he just wishes he could fall into blissful unconsciousness but no such luck. When he’s back at home and in his bed he can’t fall asleep, turning in search of a more comfortable position every few minutes.

‘Are you in pain, sir?’ JARVIS asks quietly, concern clear in his voice, and Tony has to think for a moment before answering.

‘No, not really, J, just – I don’t know. I wanna rest.’

‘Can I help you somehow?’

‘Distract me,’ Tony mumbles, wrapping himself tighter with the thick duvet. There is a moment of silence before JARVIS starts to talk about the newest robotics research that’s happening in Europe, including as much details as possible, and it finally lets Tony relax a bit.

The next day continues in a similar manner and Happy calls Doc sometime around noon, despite Tony’s protests and JARVIS reassurance that none of his detailed scans show any _unusual_ anomalies. Tony’s just exhausted and restless and he feels like he needs to _do_ something so fucking much but he can’t drag himself out of the bed.

When Doc arrives, Tony and JARVIS are deep in a discussion about the arc reactor’s support systems for the future clean energy-run building, this way Tony can at least pretend he’s doing some work.

Doc frowns when he enters the room filled with a soft blue glow, the windows half opaque and blocking out whatever little sunlight manages to get through the thick grey clouds and falling snow.

‘Do you mind if I check up on you instead of your machines, kid? No offense, JARVIS, of course.’

‘None take, Doctor. I will be pleased if someone takes a look at sir.’

‘J, you were supposed to be on my side,’ Tony mumbles, sitting up in the bed and ignoring the sudden bout of nausea that accompanies the movement; it’ll pass in a moment. He managed to eat some soup yesterday and today, too, so it’s not that bad.

‘I am on your side,’ JARVIS states simply, gaining an approving smile from Doc. He takes out his magical tools and proceeds to examine Tony, taking his vitals and asking questions, and then he has a look at Tony’s most recent blood tests.

‘I don’t see anything –’

‘Worse than usual, I know,’ Tony ends for him. ‘That’s why I told Happy you didn’t have to come. It’s gonna pass, I’m pretty sure –’

‘Your body is just tired with all that’s been going on.’

‘I know,’ Tony admits wearily. He hates that Doc is right. ‘But I feel good most of the time, I’ve been on a mission and it was fine. Got thrown around a bit, but I liked the change of atmosphere, it’s nice to see something that’s not concrete and asphalt sometimes.’

‘I see you’re just as talkative as always,’ Doc notes, putting the stethoscope and everything else back into his professional leather bag. ‘Do you need some painkillers?’

‘I’m not in pain,’ Tony assures him, snapping his hand at JARVIS, who saves all the files and makes all the holograms disappear. ‘I’m really not, don’t look at me like that,’ he adds, catching Doc’s eye. ‘It’s gonna be fine, right?’ He mumbles into the man’s shoulder a moment later, burying his face in the crook of Doc’s neck.

‘It’s gonna be fine,’ Doc assures him firmly, wrapping an arm around Tony’s back. ‘Don’t be scared,’ he adds so quietly that Tony can barely make out the words. ‘You’re strong.’

‘Mhm,’ Tony murmurs, shivering slightly.

‘Happy, we’re going to the living room; make sure there is something to eat, a movie and tropical temperature, all right?’

‘Sure thing,’ Happy replies and disappears quickly, already talking to JARVIS.

‘And you, kid, are going to take a shower.’

‘Don’t wanna,’ Tony says into the fabric of Doc’s jacket.

‘Yes, you do,’ Doc assures him, wraps his other arm around Tony’s thin frame and helps him to the shower.

They watch old Star Trek and Tony is basically force-fed warm soup, though he can’t say it’s not tasty and he’s not hungry, and halfway into the third movie, Tony falls asleep, head in Doc’s lap, with a blanket wrapped around the rest of his body despite the warm dry air filling the room.

 

 

It gets better the next day, not much but Tony can tell there’s a change, so instead of sitting in bed he spends the day nestled into an armchair in his workshop, working from 4 a.m. to midnight with a few short breaks. Happy tries to protest but apparently Tony’s brain decided that it won’t shut off so he just rolls with it. It’s nothing as wild as he used to do, anyway, and it’s nice. Almost like in the good old days, if he ignores how heavy his head feels.

On Friday, Tony eats breakfast in the kitchen and when he’s finishing, JARVIS speaks up, his voice filled with an equal dose of excitement and anxiety.

‘I picked up an activity regarding the money trail you have me following,’ he says and pauses, waiting for Tony’s reaction. ‘Sir?’

‘We should follow,’ Tony decides, sighing heavily. ‘Same place again?’

‘A hundred miles east.’

‘So, more or less the same. Wait, any news from S.H.I.E.L.D. about the issue?’

‘Director Fury has not sent you any message regarding the time you can see the weapons for yourself yet. And I do not pick up any additional information about the case in their databases.’

‘So they’re still behind us on tracing the bad guys, hmm? Are there any S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in proximity?’

‘Three hundred miles away, sir. There are seven agents on a mission in the middle of an uninhabited area, an operation concerning local terrorist groups.’

‘I need you to keep close tabs on the area and collect all info you can get, as always. No new sights of the weapons themselves? No strange shootings or something?’

‘Negative.’

‘We need to get to those people, then,’ Tony decides, messaging his temples with practiced circular motions. ‘J, I need you to take Mark VIII, it’s the best for stealth, and fly there to get us some names. Can you do that?’

‘I am not sure I _should_ do that,’ JARVIS says, stressing the word with what sounds like hesitation. ‘I am just an artificial intelligence.’

‘I know what you mean, J, and we talked about that so many times… I never thought Tony Stark’s kid could have such self-esteem issues. And don’t say anything. You know you’re more human than most humans I know, I keep telling you that, are you ever going to really understand that?’

‘Sir, I –’

‘No, don’t answer that. Sorry,’ Tony says quietly, smiling briefly at the nearest camera. ‘I’m being selfish.’

‘I want to help,’ JARVIS says, his voice a bit stronger. ‘I want to do all I can to help, sir. I just still find it hard to believe that you would trust me that much.’

‘I think I told that to Fury last time, didn’t I? I trust you with everything, _everything_ , and I trust you to fly the suit by yourself and play Iron Man, of which you are a big part, and help me figure out this mystery and end it with the bad guys. It’s our responsibility, isn’t it?’

‘It is, sir,’ JARVIS agrees, and then, ‘I will prepare Mark VIII for flight. It will be ready in three minutes.’

‘No need to be anxious, baby, you’ll blow everyone’s minds,’ Tony says before grabbing the last piece of toast from his plate and making his way to the workshop to see Mark VIII out. ‘I just want you to keep safe distance and observe. We’re not in hurry. You can do this for a few days, right? I want to be sure you’re safe with the suit and that no one gets to notice you. We just need some names.’

‘I will so my best,’ JARVIS replies via the armor, and then it _disappears_ and flies out of the room. Tony sighs, glances at his watch and nods to himself. Pepper is supposed to come over in the afternoon, for dinner and to talk business, since Tony hasn’t managed to persuade her that she should make all the decisions about SI without him. She keeps insisting his words matter a lot, so Tony decided to indulge her and go over the new R &D plans.

They talk about business, eat dinner, drink alcohol-free fruit cocktails and then Pepper falls asleep on Tony for the first time in what feels like years. It’s probably been years.

Tony lets her sleep like that until the movie they’ve been watching is finished, and then he wakes her up, feeling terribly guilty because she needs her sleep and rest even more than he does, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to carry her to bed.

It takes him tightly clenched fists and a few long breathes to acknowledge that and he _hates_ how useless it makes him feel.

‘Pep, hey, sorry to wake you up,’ he mutters, looking at Pepper’s sleepy eyes, ‘can you go to bed with me? The sofa’s nice but it’ll give you stiff neck, believe me, I tried, and I just can’t – I need you on your feet, okay?’

‘Sure, Tony,’ she replies in the same hushed voice and untangles the blanket she’s been wrapped with, takes his hand and taking slow steps, inaudible since she’s barefoot, leads him to the bedroom.

Tony is pretty sure that it should be the other way round but Pepper doesn’t mind.

She lays down close to him, still holding his hand, and Tony pretends not to hear her soft muffled sobs when they both try to just fall asleep.

 

 

Tony wakes up to a lovely scent coming from the kitchen through the open bedroom door and, wrapped with a dressing gown, he tiptoes through the living area. Pepper is making what looks like egg benedict, one of her favorite foods, and that makes Tony smile lazily.

‘Morning,’ he says, sitting on one of the high chairs, a cup of coffee already waiting for him. Like when she was his PA back in Malibu. ‘Thanks.’

‘I’m just saving myself from the pleasures of interacting with an under-caffeinated Tony Stark,’ she replies cheekily, taking out the poached eggs with skilled ease and placing them on top of the slightly fried ham.

‘Sorry for yesterday,’ they say in exactly the same moment, then they look at each other for a long moment and start laughing.

‘It’s okay,’ he assures her softly. Pepper nods.

‘It’s okay,’ she repeats, pouring some sauce over the eggs and putting the plates on the table, her feet still bare and still moving soundlessly. ‘Happy is out. I promised to take care of you today.’

‘Or use me, Miss Potts,’ he teases, inhaling the perfect scent of the food, thankful that he’s stomach is not acting up anymore.

‘Or use you, Mister Stark,’ she agrees lightly and digs in.

‘I want to expand SI medical,’ Pepper tells Tony after dinner, when they are in the workshop, dividing attention between the files Pepper brought, and petting the bots. They miss Pepper so much, she used to be around them all the time, and even Tony’s presence and Happy’s help can’t soothe them.

‘Does that have something to do with… this situation?’ Tony asks cautiously, waving vaguely at himself.

‘No, it just seems like something worth doing,’ Pepper lies. Tony nods in agreement.

‘Well, that’s good, because the amazing team of JARVIS and I has some great ideas half-developed, waiting for someone to pick them up and finish.’

‘Does that have anything to do with this situation?’ Pepper questions, looking at Tony with her head tilted, a small smile crawling onto her lips.

‘No, it just seemed like something worth doing,’ he parrots, making her smile a bit wider. They don’t say anything more for a long time, focusing on working in an efficient tandem they’ve been practicing for so many years.

 

 

‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, boss,’ Happy tells Tony when he’s finishing breakfast the next morning.

‘You never do.’

‘This time I especially don’t think it’s a good idea. You said neither Captain nor Romanov will be there, and Barton is out with Coulson, so that leaves what, you and Banner and Spider Man?’

‘Only more of the reason to go, Happy,’ Tony assures the man, stirring his coffee in slow circular movements. ‘It’ll be a light training. And it’s been too quiet recently, so if we’re called to something, an additional hour of training is always an advantage.’

‘Boss –’

‘I promise I won’t get beat up much,’ Tony cuts in firmly. ‘Besides, they are both scientists, whether you want to believe it or not. I’m pretty sure we’ll end up talking science. None of us likes S.H.I.E.L.D. too much, so I guess we can bitch about them and their crappy R&D for hours.’

‘That sounds like a plan,’ Happy declares mockingly and stuffs a donut into his mouth, giving Tony a clear sign that he won’t talk about that anymore.

‘Sure, sulk all you want, you’ll be thankful when we revolutionize physics in one evening,’ Tony states and takes a gulp of the almost-too-hot coffee.

When he’s finished, he puts on Mark X and gets to HQ in a few minutes, only to find Bruce and Spider Man glued to a big screen in one of the labs, staring at all the controls displayed on the screen.

‘What’s going on here?’ he asks, surprised that they don’t jump at the sound of Iron Man’s voice. ‘Something interesting?’

‘S.H.I.E.L.D. got yet another sample of wannabe supersoldier serum in their hands last week and they gave it for me to analyze and experiment with. It’s actually pretty good. Want to have a look? I was just explaining Spider Man one of the experiments I did yesterday,’ Bruce says, moving closer to Spider Man to make a way for Iron Man to stand closer.

‘I thought we’d at least pretend to train before we do something like that,’ Tony confesses, his brain already processing all the letters and numbers on the screen.

‘This totally beats training,’ Spider Man says excitedly, stuffing himself with a chocolate bar.

‘And I promised to make curry when we’re done,’ Bruce adds, eying Spider Man fondly, which makes Tony irrationally jealous.

That’s new.

‘Sounds like a plan,’ Tony agrees, fascinated by one of Bruce’s simulations in the corner of the screen. ‘So, have you done the most interesting simulation yet? Gamma radiation?’

‘I was planning to,’ Bruce admits, hands already flying over the keyboard. ‘Look, first we need to see how much time we’d need…’ he starts, Tony and Spider Man listening closely, and they’re completely lost in the project.

 

 

On Monday, back from the clinic, Tony asks JARVIS to prepare a full list of all the not quite finished medical projects they’ve ever worked on. They’ve been working non-stop on the arc reactor and Tony feels like he needs a break, given that the project is still far from complete, balancing all the details is just killing him, so a break to refresh his mind is very welcome.

‘Any news about the weapons, J? Tony asks, staring at the task completion bar, the numbers changing from 35% to 36 and 37 in a moderate pace.

‘It is not confirmed yet, but I do indeed have a lead, it seems. There has been another money withdrawal from an account connected directly to the first one we investigated and while I was not able to see the person who made the withdrawal, I managed to locate their car and I am now following at safe distance.’

‘Whoa, J, that’s _big_ , you’re doing great!’

‘Thank you, sir,’ JARVIS says quietly, showing the progress of 63% ‘I did not want to tell you before I was sure I could follow the vehicle.’

‘That’s all right,’ Tony reassures JARVIS, smiling at the ceiling in a gesture of affection. ‘That’s all right.’

It takes JARVIS another twenty two seconds to complete the task.

‘What do we have here…’ Tony murmurs to himself, browsing the list; there seems to be everything, from an idea for a better MRI and a new generation of surgical lasers to rehabilitation assistant robots. Which does sound pretty cool because _robots_. Tony’s always been an engineer and robotics specialist first and foremost. ‘Why don’t we work on this one,’ he points to one of the project names on the screen, with a very promising description, and JARVIS blows up the schematics.

‘Shall I order all the materials necessary for creating this unit?’ JARVIS asks and Tony just gives him a nod. The project is almost ready to be produced; there are only a few minor details he has to look at.

 

 

On Wednesday afternoon Clint messages Nate to ask if he has some time to hang out. Tony is feeling acceptable, considering, and he’s been sitting hunched over his new robots for far too long, so he has JARVIS settle the time and place and flies back to the apartment to put on some normal, non-stained clothing.

They end up in the chocolaterie they discovered in summer, reminiscing about cycling, gossiping and commenting on random S.H.I.E.L.D. things over cups of hot chocolate. Clint doesn’t ask about Steve – Tony isn’t sure if he doesn’t know anything or knows something but doesn’t want to tackle the subject.  Instead, he tells Tony about the trip to New Mexico.

‘ _We met with Jane and Darcy,_ ’ Clint starts, signing over his cup lazily.‘ _I don’t know how she’s still Jane’s assistant – not an intern anymore, mind you, she shouted at me for calling her that – since she doesn’t know anything more than she did about science, but they seem to have some kind of a subconscious connection because Darce always knows what Jane needs and Jane is always so awkwardly thankful and keeps giving Darcy alcohol_.’

‘ _Sounds like fun_ ,’ Tony signs and Clint nods vigorously.

‘ _Sometimes you’re not sure you understand them because they’re drunk or the research is simply that crazy. Or because they are pretending and making fun of you. They have great poker faces_.’

‘ _I haven’t had a chance to note that, but I’ll verify the next time we meet,_ ’ Tony assures Clint and drinks some of the thick caramel-flavored drink. ‘ _So why did she request a meeting_?’

‘ _She said there’ve been some… spikes that we could find interesting. She thinks Thor might be paying us a visit sometime soon, although when you asked her to define soon, she just shrugged. So we’ve got to wait_.’

‘ _Couldn’t she just tell you that on the phone_?’ Tony asks, smiling at the passing waitress, she smiles back and nods at him, so he knows she’ll come in a moment. Clint seems like he needs another cup of chocolate and the raspberry flavored one seems like something Tony would like to steal a spoonful of.

‘ _Well, it wasn’t all_ ,’ Clint admits, pressing his lips together and making a long pause. ‘ _It was actually Darcy’s idea. She kept flirting with me like hell_.’

Tony chuckles, politely pretending not to laugh at that, and waits for an elaboration.

‘ _The last day we were there, Phil just couldn’t stand it, even though I swear I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, and_ –’ Clint trails off, blushing slightly, which is very out of character for him.

‘ _And_?’

‘He proposed,’ Clint whispers, leaning over the table, as if he was afraid someone would overhear them. ‘I said yes.’

‘ _Amazing_ ,’ Tony signs, grinning like mad because hey, everyone’s been waiting for that for so long, really. ‘ _Congratulations_ ,’ he adds, focusing on the waitress for a second. He types his order  – a piece of the most fancy torte the place sells – and shows it to the woman who nods. Then he adds to Clint, ‘ _I’m proud. You need to celebrate. It’s on me._ ’

Clint knows better than to talk Nate out of doing something he wants, so he just nods.

‘ _So, Darcy_?’

‘ _She admitted she did it on purpose, ‘cause she’s heard all the love tales about us from Thor – did you know they talked on the phone every day he was here? So she decided we needed a push, since even Phil’s… injury wasn’t enough for any of us to make a move_.’

‘ _She’s something else_ ,’ Tony declares, staring approvingly at the gigantic piece of cake that was just delivered to the table. Clint looks like a kid whose greatest Christmas wish has just come true, so Tony lets him enjoy the chocolate craze and they spend some time in chewing and almost-moaning filled silence.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Hearing from you really makes my day (or night) so if you have a second please consider dropping me a word to let me know if you enjoyed this piece. Also, the chapter number is up to 4 and I hope it will stay 4, but who knows, my stories tend to stretch endlessly... Updates on that mysterious process on [my tumblr](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/), if you're interested :)


	3. III

 

On Friday, after the last visit to the clinic in this course, Iron Man makes his way to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ for an R&D team meeting. He listens what everyone has to say closely and when it’s his turn to speak, he shares the few details he came up with about the Chitauri devices.

‘I don’t think I can give you any more expertise than I already did,’ he adds at the end of his report. ‘We know how the weapons function, how they are powered, we know how to use them, and there is nothing more to be done about them. I’m unable to help you build similar ones, and all-out attempts at reverse engineering have been futile, so I will be resigning from the team. I’m sorry about that. There are other matters to which I need to attend.’

There is a wave of murmurs and then one of the scientists speaks up.

‘But you will be available for contact if there is any breakthrough on the case?’

‘I will,’ Iron Man assures them and nods at the next person to speak.

When the meeting is over, he shakes everyone’s hands and leaves quickly. On his way back to the roof landing pad, he fancies he sees Fury staring at him from a far end of a corridor. But he’s not called, so he just takes off and flies back home. The next day they contact Nate, as if he was second best. Tony laughs and turns them down.

 

 

The next day Tony goes to Riverside after a week-long break. The weather has gotten nicer within the last few days. While everything is still covered with snow, it’s not so cold anymore, so when he arrives most of the kids are making snowmen and running around. They seem content enough by themselves so Tony just waves at them and goes inside. After the one-glance head count he’s just made, he knows that four kids are unaccounted for.

‘Hello, Nate,’ Joan greets him and takes his coat despite his silent protest. ‘You’re a guest,’ she explains simply.

‘ _Who’s in_?’ he types and lets her see the question on the tablet screen.

‘Tiffany, River and Rosa. They were down with a cold earlier this week. They’re fine now, but I’d rather not risk them running around getting sweaty in that weather.’ Tony nods in agreement, frowning a bit, because that’s still not everyone.

‘Marcel is upstairs with Bruce,’ she adds. ‘He had to skip this week’s meeting because of a school function, but he didn’t want to miss the lesson, so they’re doing it now.’

‘ _That’s nice_ ,’ Tony types. Joan smiles.

‘The kids are in the playroom. I believe there are dolls involved.’

‘ _Sounds like fun_ ,’ Tony adds and shrugs. He’s never had real toys, not really, as he took more interest in things he could break apart and put together, rather than simply play with, when he was just a toddler. He’s always been the one to make things, not to come up with imaginary stories.

The kids welcome him enthusiastically and drag him down to sit on the carpeted floor, and then he’s put in charge of building a home for the three dolls while they are being named and dressed. There are lots of items that don’t resemble house appliances at all, in addition to what looks like a pre-made big set of toys, but Tony has created enough insane things in his life to have no problem with making a couch out of an old tissue box – it even has a nice pattern, matching the real furniture’s colors – or a trash can from an empty toilet paper roll.

Tony ends up playing something alike JARVIS for the kids, being a sentient and prank-making house robot who communicates with the inhabitants via text messages. Tony’s phone gets installed instead of one of the house’s windows, pretending to be a big screen, and it’s wired to his tablet: when he types, the letters appear on the phone screen, too. It’s good that all the kids can read, even if Rosa, being the youngest one, needs some help with a few longer words.

But they’re doing great overall and by the end of the playtime, when the other kids are getting back inside for lunch and Tony’s mini team puts back their dolls into boxes neatly, Tony wishes he could take them all home to meet his bots. The kids are so amazingly easy-going and they treat the play-robot with more empathy than some people treat others in real life. Dummy would just spontaneously combust from the excitement of so many little humans to play with.

He can’t quite let people see Dummy because he’s always been publicly linked to Tony Stark, and Butterfingers and You too, and the other bots aren’t A.I.s so they wouldn’t know how to play. And the workshop itself is a very dangerous place, but maybe he could take the older kids there. That’s something to think about.

‘Will you stay for dinner?’ Tony hears a familiar voice and turns around, smiling at Annik with Lino in her arms. Tony is _just_ about to say that yes, why not, when he notices Bruce descending from the stairs, with Marcel his side, talking at machine gun speed.

‘ _I’m sorry, not today_ ,’ he types and gives her an apologetic look. ‘ _Next time, I hope_ ,’ he adds, waves goodbye at the kids, and makes his way to the entrance hall.

‘ _Hey_ ,’ he signs at Bruce, catching up with the man just outside the building.

‘Didn’t know you were here today – oh. I forgot it’s Saturday.’

‘ _Don’t manage to come over every week_ ,’ Tony types quickly, Bruce glancing over his shoulder. ‘ _How was your lesson_?’

‘We discussed some experiments and them we had a run with optical physics. Not Marcel’s favorite, though. I think he’s more of particle kind of a guy.’

‘ _So you will create another specialist for CERN to steal from us_?’

‘I think S.H.I.E.L.D. will take him in straight out of college, if he continues like this, before Europeans can land their hands on him,’ Bruce states, chuckling drily. Tony agrees completely. S.H.I.E.L.D. can be very possessive, and they are very patient, too.

‘ _Want to grab lunch_?’

‘Do you have anything in mind?’

‘ _Not really_ ,’ Tony admits, adjusting his hat. It still annoys him, after all those months, but not wearing it means feeling too cold.

‘I know a place. Not that far, we could walk, okay with you?’

Tony nods in agreement and follows Bruce, half a step behind, for the next ten minutes or so. They get into a small, cozy-looking place that smells like butter and herbs, and Bruce leads Tony to a table in far corner, facing the entrance and giving them a nice view of the room.

‘Anything you can’t eat?’ Bruce asks and Tony wonders for a second, but nothing comes to his mind, so he shakes his head for no. ‘Then I’ll order,’ he adds and walks up to the counter, talking with the woman in rapid Spanish.

‘ _Spanish_?’ he types, raising an eyebrow, but Bruce just shrugs.

‘They have a weird cuisine mix here, whatever the chef feels like doing with the ingredients she gets fresh in the morning. Here,’ he adds, placing a steaming cup in front of Tony. ‘You look like you can use it. You cold?’

‘ _No_ ,’ Tony signs, lying just a little bit. He is kinda cold most of the time, these days, but generally ignores that completely, and today is no worse than usual.

‘I heard you told off the S.H.I.E.L.D. weapons division.’

‘ _News travel fast_ ,’ Tony types with one hand, supping the hot liquid. It’s surprisingly sweet and full of warm, spicy flavors. ‘ _We weren’t getting anywhere anymore_.’

‘So I heard. Sounds like a good decision.’

‘ _Why_?’ Tony signs with his free hand.

‘You look like you’re overworked,’ Bruce says timidly, observing Tony’s reaction, but he’s not staring, just fixing his usual soft gaze on Tony with way too much concern. ‘Don’t say you’re fine. I’m not going to pester you about that, it’s your thing to take care of, so…’ he trails off, running a hand through his curly hair a little bit awkwardly.

Sometimes Tony thinks he’d give everything to have this man-puppy in his lab, but then he had himself laughing at his own ridiculous thoughts.

‘Just make sure you eat enough and come by for a movie night or something,’ Bruce adds quickly, before setting his hands on the table. ‘But I won’t say anything more. I was meaning to ask you, have you hears about Doctor Foster’s newest research? I’m no astrophysicist, but she got some very interesting readings –’

‘ _I’ve seen the file_ ,’ Tony manages to type and then the women from the counter comes up with a tray of steaming bowls and plates, and they eat and talk until Tony’s fingers seriously ache from all that tapping and Bruce’s voice gets almost croaky.

When Tony gets back home, Happy drags him downstairs for a neighbor meeting and Tony smiles and listens and eats some of the homemade hors d'oeuvres, skillfully ignoring all the elderly ladies’ wonders about his supposed _second half_.

Finally back in his workshop, with a cup of hot cocoa in his hand, Tony asks JARVIS to show him the night sky and relaxes in his armchair.

‘You know, J, it was all nice, but I enjoyed being a hermit mad billionaire engineer a lot. I think that’s enough socializing for like a year,’ he sighs, staring at the holographic constellations, a perfect replica of what’s hiding behind the clouds that have been hanging over New York for too long.

‘Then I feel obliged to apologize in advance for reminding you that Colonel Rhodes, Miss Potts and Doctor Eisen will come over tomorrow for dinner,’ JARVIS comments, sounding just a little bit soft underneath the sass.

‘Happy’s birthday,’ Tony nods. ‘That’s fine. They’re gonna harass him for once, not me.’

‘Knowing your friends, I wouldn’t count on it, sir –’

‘Think he’ll mind when I tell him his birthday gift will be a bit late?’

‘Studying the dynamics between you, I would say he is likely to tease you and pretend to be offended, but when he learns what the gift is, he will call you mad.’

‘You’re so damn helpful,’ Tony murmurs fondly, waving at Butterfingers to come up. He’s the shiest of the bots but he needs his quota of petting, too.

‘I live to please,’ JARVIS replies drily, making Tony laugh, his voice echoing dully in the dark space.

 

 

The mini birthday party goes nicely and Happy reacts to Tony’s postponed gift more or less like JARVIS predicted which makes Tony laugh a bit more than he should, but no one was surprised by that. He and JARVIS are totally allowed to have their own weird secrets.

The next few days are pretty mundane. Tony goes out with Annik, spends some time working with Rhodey and builds random stuff in the big workshop, just to let his hands do some real work. He trains with Happy – cycling indoors while watching really bad horror movies is fun even if short breath doesn’t help with that – and one time he even takes out Mrs. Linz for a long walk and a lunch in a nearby café.

Sleeping doesn’t go too well and it annoys Tony endlessly because his body seems to need the rest but it unable to get it. In the end it proves helpful because sometime around 1 a.m. on Friday night JARVIS speaks up in a soft tone. The sudden shift from the soft guitar music that was playing in the background makes Tony flinch.

‘Sir, I was asked to relay a message to you.’

‘Oh?’ Tony asks, blinking the half-sleep away and rubbing his eyes. His arms feel numb; he’s been sitting unmoving for too long.

‘It was Ijon who asked me.’

‘Steve,’ Tony knows, of course, because who else would be up at night at this hour. Come to think of it, more people could, but Tony isn’t close enough to them to be bothered in the middle of the night unless it is an emergency – which he hopes it isn’t.

‘Yes,’ the A.I. confirms, making Tony exhale and then scoff at how he’s already overthinking everything. _Already_.

‘Well, what’s the message then? Spare me the suspense, okay? Is Steve home?’ Tony adds, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to be on a mission.

‘He and Agent Romanov came back almost four hours ago. They debriefed with Agent Coulson and retreated to their rooms.’

‘And?’

‘Ijon asked me to inform you that _Steve_ seems to be very distressed and yet he refused to share any details with Ijon when he enquired.’

Tony smiles at how JARVIS says _Steve_ with the same disapproving note a butler from that British series Happy likes to watch scolded the servants for saying something inappropriate. But Steve being _distressed_ enough to make Ijon inform J and therefore Tony, that doesn’t sound well.

‘Ijon suggested that your presence might help Captain Rogers in this situation.’

‘I’m terrible at people,’ Tony answers automatically, running a head across his non-existent hair in a gesture he thought he got rid of months ago. ‘I wouldn’t know – how the hell would I be supposed to make it better? You know I’m not good at people.’

‘So you keep telling yourself, sir,’ JARVIS says levelly. ‘Shall I remind you of all times you acted in contrary to those words? Starting with the time Iron Man almost let Captain Rogers cry in his lap.’

‘J, you’re close to crossing the line,’ Tony says accusingly, pretty sure the A.I. will talk him into going over to the HQ anyway and he will protest but still give in in the end.

‘Mark IX is ready for deployment,’ JARVIS just says and Tony nods, taking off his dressing gown and pulling on a warm hoodie. It takes him two more minutes to make sure he looks like _Nate_ , grabs his glasses, and a moment later he’s in the air.

 

 

Tony walks through the house in the suit – it’s lighter and more flexible than Mark X, so it’s good for a stealth mission like this – but he doesn’t have to worry about noise too much, anyway. Steve’s room is the only one in the southern wing of the house and on the top floor.

Steve’s door is unsurprisingly closed.

He tells Ijon not to tell Steve he came by, just knocks at the door and waits.

There is no sign of movement inside, no light, no noises, so Tony knocks again. And waits. After a long moment he hears a shuffle and a few light sounds getting closer, and then it all stops. Maybe if he wasn’t in the suit, he would be able to _feel_ what’s going on behind the door, but he can’t so he asks JARVIS for a quick word.

‘Captain Rogers is standing a few feet away from the door, listening, sir,’ JARVIS says reluctantly. Tony frowns because he didn’t expect that one at all.

‘Steve,’ he says and JARVIS conveys it in Iron Man’s metallic voice, keeping it quiet. ‘Let me in,’ he adds and holds his breath, waiting.

A few seconds later there is more shuffling and then the door opens, revealing the dark room with Steve nowhere in sight. Tony steps in and as soon as the door’s closed, he gets out of the armor and turns around, taking out his phone and showing Steve a pre-written message saying _Ijon asked me to come. What’s wrong?_

Steve squints a bit at the screen’s light when he reads the words, his face lit up distortedly by the white-blue halo.

‘I’m all right,’ he replies sharply, taking a step back. ‘You didn’t have to come. I will talk with Ijon about this, I’m sorry you’re here in the middle of the night –’

‘ _I wasn’t sleeping anyway_ ,’ Tony types. Steve nods slowly. ‘ _And I’m glad Ijon called. I would be mad at him if he didn’t. I programmed him, remember?_ ’

‘Yeah,’ Steve breathes, taking yet another step back.

Tony stays unmoving, looking at Steve with a frown on his face, and wonders what the right thing to do – say, type – right now is. Obviously something during the mission unsettled Steve really badly but Tony can’t remember anything from the file JARVIS got him that would indicate what kind of _something_ it was, and Steve certainly doesn’t look like he’d like to talk about that.

‘ _I’ll make tea,_ ’ Tony types in the end, lets Steve read the message and makes his way to where he remembers the kettle is, but a few steps later he notices that he’s walking on pieces of paper, laying randomly all across the room’s floor, filled with lines and doodles that don’t make much sense to Tony, at least not in this half-darkness. He stops just for a second, though, listening to Steve’s heavy breaths suddenly audible when the rustle underneath Tony’s feet ceases, and then makes his way towards the end of the room decisively.

Steve is sitting on the sofa when Tony has the tea ready in two big mugs. He pulls a small table he almost bumped into closer to the sofa, places the mugs on the top, and sits down, giving Steve his space.

They sit in silence for long moments and when Tony is feeling like he’s going to doze off any minute, Steve moves reluctantly, takes the now-lukewarm mug and drinks it all in one go.

‘We had terrible tea in Russia,’ he says quietly. ‘Nat complained about it a lot. She said they used to have the best tea there, but then again we were undercover in a snow-buried town. In the middle of nowhere. So no one should expect luxuries like good food.’

Tony nods, cradling his mug between his cold hands, and waits for more words.

‘It was just casualties,’ Steve says finally, a few long moments later. Then he puts his mug down. ‘I didn’t – not everything went as planned. It wasn’t like New York battle, it wasn’t like the war, it was just random and unnecessary and terrible and I – I shouldn’t even be here.’

‘ _Why_?’ Tony types, ignoring how his hands are trembling slightly.

‘Children,’ Steve just says, burying his face in his big hands. Tony feels the urge to wrap his arm around Steve’s back reassuringly, or just touch him, letting the _soldier_ know that someone is there with him, but it doesn’t seem like a good idea. Steve is far too tense for that.

‘ _Go to her_ ,’ Tony types and fixed his eyes on Steve, waiting for him to look up. Then he adds, ‘ _if she isn’t with someone else_.’

When Steve sees the words, he shrugs unsurely and presses his lips in a tight line.

‘They aren’t – I wouldn’t know –’

‘ _She needs you_ ,’ Tony adds. ‘ _And you might need her, too. Go_.’

It takes Steve a long moment, but he stands up and walks out of the room, not looking back. Tony sighs, puts the mugs into the sink and stands in the middle of the big space, his eyes now used to the cozy blackness, so strange to him as he doesn’t cover the arc reactor up at home. The darkness is blue in his own little world.

‘Sir, please go home and rest,’ JARVIS says from Tony’s phone that’s still in his hand. ‘I am sure Captain Rogers and Agent Romanov will manage to tend to themselves, especially given that they share the experiences of the unfortunate mission. You have a meeting tomorrow that you should attend and it would be beneficial for you to get some sleep. And it is 2:53 a.m. already.’

‘All right,’ Tony agrees, but only because he doesn’t know what he would say if Steve came back. What is the right thing to say in such a situation? Tony’s pretty sure there isn’t one. But he _could_ ignore the exhaustion creeping up on him. He could, if he wanted to, he tells himself silently letting JARVIS wrap the suit around him and sneaking out of the HQ as silently as possible.

 

 

Tony sees Steve again on the team meeting a few days later. He looks all right – for a moment Tony thinks _much better_ , but then he remembers he didn’t actually see Steve’s face in the darkness, other than covered by a patchwork of shadows and softest light.

‘Good Morning, Captain,’ Iron Man greets Steve, inclining his head slightly. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Natasha entering the room two steps behind Clint. She looks as in control as always which is probably a good thing.

‘Morning,’ Steve replies, sharing a shy smile with Tony before sitting down in his usual place at the end of the table.

‘Since we all know enough details of the past month’s mission, I will be skipping that part to tell you about what’s planned for the next few weeks,’ Phil starts when everyone is seated, not looking up at anyone in particular, but Tony notices the quick look Steve and Natasha exchange. It’s probably better not to dig too deep – and his own mission, while everything ended up all right, wasn’t exactly what he had in mind.

So, no reminiscing half-failures and necessary sacrifices. Tony finds himself sighing in relief. Maybe it’s just his impression, but the team is not close enough yet for that kind of bonding session.

‘We’ve got a mission in a few days – it’s a recent thing, I just got the intel last night. Everyone but Spider Man is in, unless you do decide to fly with us to Africa,’ Phil pauses, looking up at Peter, who shakes his head for _no_. ‘All right, you can pretend you’re not listening then. It’s level seven.’

Spider Man chuckles humorlessly and everyone else looks innocent. They all know it’s breaking protocol, letting Peter stay and listen to a briefing for a classified mission he won’t be a part of, but they are a team.

‘We have a potential weapon of unknown source and power in hands of a morally questionable group of scientists affiliated with a terrorist organization. The people themselves are not a threat, we only need to contain them, but they seem to have dabbled with something more than they bargained for. There was a… blast, in the middle of a desert in Chad. Not quite nuclear power, but it’s dangerous, and what makes it ever more dangerous is that we don’t know what it is.’

‘So we what, grab the weapon and that’s it?’ Clint asks, leaning back in his chair and swinging his legs.

‘We make sure nothing more gets blown up in the process, yes –’

‘Maybe Hulk could swallow the thing this time,’ Clint cuts in, flashing Bruce a full smile, and Bruce just sighs theatrically and rolls his eyes. ‘Why is it always energy and weapons and _unknown sources_?’

‘Yeah, I’d rather have some familiar aliens in NY,’ Spider Man declares solemnly, gaining  stern looks form Phil and Steve. Tony just tries not to think about it.

‘This isn’t something you should joke about –’

‘I can’t just sit and sulk, Cap. I might not be getting in field on that one so yeah, scold me, but I’d rather fight aliens that I know than some who-knows-what –’

‘I’ll give you time for discussing your wishes and dreams later, please,’ Phil interrupts, raising his voice a bit and sounding more bored than anything else. ‘Behave. And you, Clint, if you don’t feel up to shooting some idiots, I can always send you for a more mundane mission. I believe there is some supervising job available in the North Pole, maybe that’s what you’d enjoy more –’

‘Firstly, there probably would be some ice monster or Yeti involved,’ Clint points out and as silly as it sounds, he’s right, Tony decides. ‘And secondly, you wouldn’t manage a week without me.’

That makes Natasha snicker and she doesn’t ever bother to cover it up with a chuckle or something. Bruce rolls his eyes again, making Steve tense. Such a team they are.

‘All right, jokes aside,’ Tony starts in Iron Man’s best serious voice, ‘When does the mission start? Are there any more details we need to talk about that won’t be in briefing files?’

‘We fly out on the 5th, 4 a.m. sharp, Quinjet from the HQ. We’ll have enough time to go over everything onboard, so I want you to read these,’ Phil says, holding up the grey files with S.H.I.E.L.D. logo in the middle. ‘ _Thoroughly_. Understood?’

‘Yes, sir,’ Clint mutters, not sounding apologetic at all.

‘We have some new S.H.I.E.L.D. regulations,’ Phil states, picking up a thick folder. ‘Which you will completely ignore, as always –’

‘I think maybe this time we could try to at least read through them,’ Steve says but he doesn’t sound too convinced, certainly not enough to make the others believe he really means that.

‘We all know we don’t play by the rules,’ Bruce offers, wiping his glasses on his shirt _again_.

‘S.H.I.E.L.D. won’t interrupt, no matter what we do anyway,’ Natasha says, ignoring everyone looking at her all of sudden because she hardly ever speaks during the meetings. ‘I’d like to see them try.’

‘Director Fury would certainly prefer his agents not dead and not incapacitated,’ Phil comments drily, pouring himself some water and ignoring the bags of chips surrounding the jug. ‘If you would.’

‘We could vote or something ** _,_** I guess,’ Spider Man says, making the others seem like they’re considering it, all of them playing along.

‘So, are we doing something here? Is this like a thing?’ Bruce says finally, breaking the not so complete silence. ‘I just had a thought. It feels like it? Living in the same place, evading S.H.I.E.L.D., eating _pizza_ of all things…’

‘Well, I don’t know what you’d call it or anything, but it definitely feels like _a thing_ ,’ Spider Man declares, nodding vigorously, making Tony smile. He isn’t sure what exactly is happening, but everyone else seems to be similarly unsure.

‘What would _a thing_ mean, exactly?’ Steve verbalizes the question hanging in the air, looking at the team one after another. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what exactly you are thinking and what exactly is possible –’

‘I think what they have in mind is something alike what you had with your team… back in time,’ Phil says, gaining a few approving nods. ‘If we’re talking about anything. The Avengers can’t operate outside of S.H.I.E.L.D., that would raise too many bureaucratic concerns and would be frowned upon, but we could think of something, if you want.’

‘What exactly do we want?’ Natasha asks, her face not revealing a single emotion.

Tony wonders if he should say something, but it feels wrong. He’s never going to belong in here as much as the rest of the team does, he doesn’t have _time_ for that, so he doesn’t exactly want to have a vote.

‘More independence,’ Bruce says, wincing slightly, as if remembering something not exactly pleasant.

‘Our own terms,’ Clint says at the same time that Natasha says _choice_.

‘More working together, not being pulled in opposite directions,’ Steve adds, eying Natasha again, understandably, in the last few months she spent more time with S.H.I.E.L.D. than with the team.

‘I’m going to appear shallow or something, but I fancy team dinners and, y’know, wrecking stuff together. And rebuilding it,’ Spider Man declares, swinging in his chair dangerously.

Tony gulps, wondering if he’s supposed to say something, too, and he doesn’t really know _what_. Bruce gives him a look, and Peter too, but when he doesn’t speak up for a second everyone turns to Phil.

‘So, you want this independent brothers in arms slash family thing. _Officially_. Don’t glare, Natasha.’

Natasha doesn’t look apologetic in any way, but Tony’s pretty sure that’s because she doesn’t mind being included in _brothers_ in arms. They all look at each other a little unsurely, questioningly, but ultimately Phil gets their firms nods.

‘I’ll see what I can do,’ he says with a slight frown. ‘And, by the way, you’re all invited to our wedding whenever we get to actually have one. I thought we could make it official, since everyone knows already anyway,’ Phil adds, turning to Clint on his left.

‘Congratulations,’ Steve says and Tony can swear he’s already planning the ceremony in his head, visually, and Tony is sure that will work out well. But he has to say something, too, he promised Levy he’ll clean his schedule for the necessary time.

‘I’m sorry to break the spell,’ Iron Man says in quiet but firm voice, sounding just a tad more metallic than usually. ‘Before we leave it here, I wanted to let you know that I won’t be around after we come back from the mission. I’m sorry but I have other engagements this month that can’t wait.’

‘Of course,’ Phil agrees, he surely remembers the conditions Iron Man insisted on when he was joining the Avengers. If feels somehow wrong now when the team expressed the wish to be _more_ than just a team. Well.

‘All right, Iron Man,’ Steve says, too, a little quieter and glancing at Tony with this pensive look in his face. ‘Of course.’

‘So, before we get to food and things,’ Clint speaks up, gesturing at the miraculously unopened Cheetos bags, ‘Is that all? We see each other on Sunday for some ass-kicking?’

‘I still prefer _training_ ,’ Steve sighs and they unanimously decide that it’s all set and it’s time to move on to the fun part of the meeting.

Tony stays. He knows it’s probably not the best of his genius ideas because he has things to do and places to – well, not exactly, but there are definitely things he should be doing right now instead of watching movies, chatting or arguing with Natasha about battle ideas ever crazier that the ones S.H.I.E.L.D. gets involved in – but it feels nice to be here so he just doesn’t think about anything else in the universe.

Spider Man ends up giving Steve a photography lesson while Natasha, Clint and Bruce are swapping stories from their travels all around the globe and Iron Man is left alone for a short moment. Then Phil comes up to him, holding a cup of a herb-scented drink, and just stands there silently, observing the rest of the team just like Tony is doing.

‘Everything all right?’ he asks finally, keeping his voice typically bland.

‘Why?’

‘Well, I don’t exactly get to spy on you and neither does S.H.I.E.L.D., so my only option is to ask if I want to know,’ Phil explains and Tony blinks, realizing he just got an answer to something he was wondering about. He couldn’t stop wondering if Phil _knows_. But it seems like he doesn’t which is probably good. Tony feels glad, at least.

Iron Man laughs lightly, as lightly as the artificial voice allows, and Tony keeps smiling behind the faceplate.

‘I need some real life time,’ he offers, rather satisfied with the wording.

‘All right. I hope you have a good time, then.’

Tony inclines his head in agreement, thinking that it’s pretty much impossible, but he likes how genuine the words are.

‘So you’ll be fighting Fury to get us madmen even more autonomy than we already have?’

‘It might be less fighting than one would expect,’ Phil says in a conspiarational whisper, turning the cup around in his hands absentmindedly. ‘I think he’s secretly fond of you all. Not to mention that he likes New York a lot so he’s pretty glad you kept his favorite grill place in Hoboken safe, you know.’

‘Little pleasures, hmm?’

‘Exactly,’ Phil agrees solemnly, just before Clint calls him to tell a story about one time they were in Greece together. Tony gets sucked in the talk, pretending that he’s never been to Greece – there are about seven countries in the world Tony Stark hasn’t visited.

By the time he gets home he’s craving Greek food and Happy thinks it’s funny, who knows why.

 

 

The sparring session goes all right, even if there are maybe a few more bruises that should be, but everyone leaves the training room knowing that they are ready, as a team, for whatever is going to happen on the mission.

Tony comes back to the HQ later in the evening, or rather Nate does, to check up on Ijon’s servers. This time he has some real work to do, making sure that all the hardware is working perfectly instead of the usual pretending to look at Ijon’s software.

Clint greets Nate as he enters the building, leaving his overcoat by the door, but then he disappears somewhere so Tony makes his way to the control room alone. He knows that there are only two more people in the house right now and that means he’ll have some calm time to get the work done as soon as possible, and then he can come home to a late night dinner with Rhodey. He hasn’t seen the colonel all week long and it feels like such a long time. They just got used to being around each other often.

Tony snaps his hand in a gesture that JARVIS knows and explains silently to Ijon so a moment later a quiet guitar tune fills the room and Tony sits down on the floor, holding a mini scanner in his hand – it looks just like the newest generation Starkphones, a metal frame with a transparent holographic interface, and lets the device scan the beautiful piece of technology in front of him. Ijon’s hardware was a bit of an experiment as Tony wouldn’t offer anyone something as _big_ and complicated as JARVIS. Everything has been working well so far so this is nothing more than a routine check-up.

‘Spider Man entered the building and is heading towards this room, Nate,’ Ijon informs Tony politely about fifteen minutes later, when Tony is about half done with his work.

‘Hello hello,’ Peter greets Tony as soon as he closes the doors behind himself. Then he looks around, waving at the nearest camera, and sighs. ‘We’re secure, right? I can talk stuff?’

‘I assure you this room is quite secure,’ Ijon offers nicely, making Peter smile behind his mask.

‘So, do you like, go home, jump out of the suit, put on glasses and come back?’

‘ _There might have been a dinner involved_ ,’ Tony types on his phone with one hand, hardly looking away from the scanner.

‘Lucky you. I was working. No time for anything but a sandwich and man, I crave some spaghetti, I really do… But I came by to ask a thing.’

‘ _Yes_?’

‘If Iron Man won’t be around, does that mean you won’t be around, too? I mean, I don’t know how all those things work with you exactly, so…’

‘” _I” won’t be around either_ ,’ Tony types, and then adds, ‘ _but you’ll have access to the workshop. I’ll make sure my A.I. lets you in and navigates you, just text me in advance so that I have time to arrange things._ ’

‘Oh I do love you,’ Peter declares dramatically. ‘You’re _so_ my favorite.’

‘ _Happy to hear that_ ,’ Tony offers, flashing Spider Man a smile, and moves to cross off the next point of his _to do_ list.

 

 

The mission is simple, in the end. The scientists don’t oppose too much and it’s easy to detain them. The weapon turns out to be a small metal ball, definitely human-made, but not a very recent invention; Iron Man puts it into a special power-draining containment box that was made post-Tesseract and heavily tested, so it’s secure.

When the Avengers arrive they take care of the weapon and lay low for the rest of the evening and night, waiting for sunrise to allow them to do a final check on the area before leaving it. Tony flies a few miles away in his suit, so that he can take it off and stretch his limb, and he lets Steve follow him and bring some food.

It’s too dark to sign, without any lights but the stars for miles and miles, so Tony types a thank you on his phone and hands Steve the device when he accepts a sandwich.

‘I thought you shouldn’t have to do this alone, since I know,’ Steve offers between bites of his own food and Tony can imagine his small unsure smile that he’s seen so many times before.

‘ _You didn’t have to steal Hawkeye’s bike and follow me miles into a desert_ ,’ Tony types and he has to admit to himself that R&D did a great job with the vehicle; Tony wouldn’t mind getting a lift himself.

‘It was a unique experience, I’ve got to admit, but it was really swell. I mean, you all tell me to try all I can in this 21st century, right?’

‘ _I guess_ ,’ Tony agrees, trying not to get the phone’s screen too greasy. ‘ _I don’t think I can get any closer to the team, you know_ ,’ he adds. It’s probably not the best moment to talk about heavy stuff, but putting it off isn’t probably a good idea either. _‘I wouldn’t feel comfortable, lying to them even more. I’m sorry. I know it’s important to you._ ’

‘You have the right to keep your identity secret and you can be as involved as you feel okay with, Nate,’ Steve replies slowly, saying Tony’s other name in a soft voice. ‘But we’ll all understand. We don’t exactly have lives besides this thing we’re doing here, and you, it’s – it’s a different story.’

Tony doesn’t think it’s exactly like that, but Steve’s words are close enough to the truth so he types a _yes_ and resumes eating his food.

Steve doesn’t even realize, but Tony is very glad he doesn’t have to sit all alone here in the middle of the cold desert. He’s very good at not remembering things, but cold deserts are still a no-thing, so a familiar face, a familiar voice, are very helpful.

‘When we go back to New York –’ Steve says a few minutes later, breaking the overwhelming silence, but he’s interrupted by a green pulsating light coming from one of the armor’s sensors.

‘ _Someone is in proximity_ ,’ Tony types quickly and a few seconds later he’s in the suit, flying over Steve who is driving Clint’s super motorcycle back to the makeshift base. ‘There is a group of twenty people heading here from south, I don’t know who they are and if they are armed, but if I were to guess, I would say they are,’ he informs the team.

‘How far?’

‘Three miles out. What do we do?’

‘We can’t leave it here until we’re sure there is nothing else we should get hold of,’ Steve decides, grasping his shield’s handle tightly. ‘So no flying off. We need to know who they are and what they are doing here.’

‘Will do. Clint, Bruce, you get inside and make sure no one gets out of the jet. Iron Man, track their steps as closely as you can, updates every two minutes. Captain, you stay with me outside. Natasha –’

‘I’m moving,’ she interrupts Phil in a firm voice, as if she didn’t want him to voice what he was going to say, then she jumps onto Hawkeye’s bike and drives off as silently as possible. Tony follows her from the air, full stealth mode engaged, flying high enough that noticing him is impossible. He gives position updates, as asked, and watches Natasha as closely as his HUD allows.

‘J, are they armed? Well, scratch that, _how_ are they armed?’ he asks when he’s getting pretty close to the group and his sensors can detect more details.

‘Guns, rifles, paralyzing devices, sir. They appear to be wearing bulletproof vests.’

‘Black Widow, they have vests,’ Iron Man forwards, descending slightly. She is only doing recon, far away from the men not to be in danger, but Tony still doesn’t like all this in the middle of the overwhelming darkness.

‘Roger that,’ she replies in a whisper.

There are a few moments of silence before he hears her voice again, a bit tighter than before.

‘We can get back to the Quinjet,’ she says, again in a whisper, and Tony sees her turning the bike around and making her way back to the base. He follows her, reporting to Coulson and listening to Natasha telling Clint details he’ll need to take out the man before they can get too close and try to do something unexpected and potentially dangerous – they have to assume the worst ­– and then maybe a mile from the Quinjet, she stops.

‘Black Widow, what’s happening?’ he asks, turning around and descending slightly. ‘The _hostiles_ are moving closer towards you. Black Widow?’

She doesn’t reply, for a moment Tony isn’t sure if her comm is all right, but JARVIS assures him that everything is working.

‘Natasha?’ he tries, but there is still no response. ‘Coulson, what is going on?’

‘I don’t know,’ Phil says, sounding distressed. Natasha isn’t the one not to follow a command, they all knows that, when she trust the commander and she trusts both Cap and Phil.

‘I’m going down,’ Iron Man declares and gets to her in less than ten seconds, landing as delicately as possible, making sure not to create a cloud of dust as he lands. ‘Natasha?’

‘Agent Romanov’s vital signs indicate that she’s in distress, sir,’ JARVIS supplies and Tony swears quietly, kneeling in front of Natasha so that he doesn’t loom over her.

This is too private to talk about the open channel, so Tony asks J to patch him through to Clint only.

‘Clint, I think she’s having a flashback. She’s not responding. Any triggers?’

‘ _Fuck_ ,’ Clint swears loudly, making Tony wince. ‘Fuck, I didn’t think – it was in ’05, we both almost forgot about that but yeah, desert and darkness and all this, we’ve been in a similar situation before and nothing ever happened and I just never thought she’d be –’

‘Okay, okay,’ Tony says calmly, nodding at JARVIS to cut off the comm, and puts his gloved hand over Natasha’s. She’s clutching the bike’s handles, breathing too fast. Tony knows breathing too fast too well.

She lets his hand touch her, but then she flinches away and JARVIS tells Tony that the group is only 0.8 a mile away and with a flat surface like the desert, it’s close.

‘I’m sorry, Natasha, but I can’t wait for you,’ he tells her. ‘Okay? Do you understand? I’m going to get you out of here,’ he says, waiting for her to respond for a moment and when she doesn’t, he moves quickly, wrapping one arm around her and keeping her close to the armor’s chest. He leaves the bike behind, it doesn’t matter much now and he couldn’t balance flight dragging it with him.

It’s colder up in the air, Tony realizes, and the speed doesn’t help with it, but the airflow makes Natasha snap out of the flashback, at least enough to suddenly starts struggling against Iron Man’s grip.’

‘I’m sorry, Natasha. Calm down, please,’ he says, JARVIS making the voice as soft as possible. ‘You’re safe. I have to keep you close or you’ll fall. We’ll be back by the jet in half a minute. Breathe, okay? Breathing is good. It actually works. _Please_ ,’ he adds, noticing that she reacts slightly to the word, and true to his promise they are at the base thirty seconds later.

‘Captain!’ Tony calls, remembering that night Steve and Natasha came back from the last mission. ‘Take her inside,’ he instructs and Steve obeys without slightest hesitation, making Tony blink in surprise. ‘Clint, I need you with tranq shots, okay? I can do twelve at once. We need to make sure no one does anything funky. All right?’

‘Sure thing,’ Clint mutters, already running, and a second later he jumps onto Iron Man’s shoulders, just like they practiced. It was more of a joke than an actual fight move but they know it’ll work this time.

It takes the hostile cars a few minutes to get close enough for Tony and Clint to put their plan into action, moving instinctively, complementing each other; they are too fast for the men to react and before they know it, all of them are out of their vehicles and unconscious on the sand.

‘2:21 a.m., sir,’ JARVIS answers Tony’s eye movement-asked question. ‘The sun won’t come up for another few hours.’

‘I just want some sleep, I guess. Not that I could get any with all the adrenalin buzzing in my head, but you get the idea.’

‘I do,’ the A.I. replies and then falls silent, letting Iron Man exchange a few quick words with Coulson.

 

 

They spend the rest of the night under cold and penetrating light of long-range reflectors while Coulson makes use of his language skills and interrogates the men, as soon as they wake up from the tranq coma. It lasts until dawn and Tony listens closely, letting JARVIS translate everything for him, and makes a few rounds in the air to make sure there are no more surprises waiting for them. He collects Hawkeye’s bike and intimidates the _guests_ – who claim to be a protection detail for the scientists that arrived a little bit too late – and makes sure Bruce doesn’t get too angry by asking him endless questions about his recent research and correspondence with Doctor Foster.

He makes sure Natasha is okay and when JARVIS assures him Steve is with her, Tony leaves them to themselves.

At eight in the morning all the men are secured inside the Quinjet holding cell and while it wasn’t designed for that many people, certainly, they can wait there under Natasha and Coulson’s watchful eyes while the rest of the team does the planned recon.

They have to wait for another plane to get all the prisoners out of the desert; the Quinjet definitely cannot fly with twenty additional people. 

S.H.I.E.L.D. plane number two arrives on 11:24 a.m. and Phil writes that into the mission logs and goes out to greet the pilot and security team.

‘Next time we take two planes and I’ll make sure Director Fury gives us his blessing with a happy smile,’ Phil mutters, draining a cup of coffee Clint made for him in three gulps. ‘I’m not waiting around for someone to come by again.’

‘Who’ll be the other pilot?’ Bruce asks, pressing his lips together and eyeing Clint, as if he wasn’t sure he’d trust anyone else.

‘I will,’ Natasha declares. She’s looking as composed as always, but she gives Tony a slightest nod that he appreciates a lot more than a _thank you_ from anyone else.

‘I won’t be coming back to the U.S. with you,’ Iron Man says some time later, when the planes are ready to take off. ‘Something came up.’

That’s not exactly a lie, there is some intel he needs to check out and a few people he wants to talk to. It’s just not sudden or recent, given that JARVIS in Mark VIII is still doing his job following some people on the continent. A nameless face, like Nate’s, will be much better for asking questions than Iron Man’s.

‘I will see you tomorrow at the debrief,’ he adds, nodding at Phil – they decided to put the meeting off a bit as everyone needs some space right now – and earns _permission_ to leave.

The next few hours are more boring than anything else, but with JARVIS’ directions and previously gathered information, Tony manages to talk to a few people who are willing to share some information for a sum of money that he agrees to without a blink of an eye.

He gets a few names, _real_ names, the piece that has been missing so far, and orders JARVIS to run appropriate searches straight away. It will take hours or maybe days, depending on how well the people have been hiding, and he’s pretty sure it won’t be any conclusive evidence _yet_ , but it’s a step in the right direction.

 

Back at home, he sleeps for twelve hours straight and mutters annoyed words at Happy who wakes him up for the debrief.

‘I’m sorry, boss, I wouldn’t wake you up if you hadn’t promised to do several not very nice things to me if you are late for the meeting,’ he explains, not sounding apologetic at all, and hands Tony a comfortable outfit he can wear under the suit. ‘I’ll have dinner ready when you’re back,’ he adds and disappears, leaving Tony to himself and a clock, telling him that he has exactly fourteen minutes to get to the HQ.

After the debrief Iron Man is making his way to the rooftop when Natasha runs up to him and tells him to stop, crossing her arms on her chest.

‘I wanted to make sure we’re clear about one thing,’ she says in low voice that makes her sound dangerous. ‘I’m grateful for what you did and how you behaved about the _thing_ during the op, but if you keep messing up with Steve, I’m going to make sure you regret it.’

‘It’s not –’ Tony starts but she doesn’t listen.

‘I know _he_ keeps coming after you and _he_ keeps insisting, but just tell him off finally or agree to whatever he wants of you.’

‘I did.’

Natasha gives him a long assessing look before speaking up again, this time more calmly.

‘I know. But he’s still – he’s still lost. So don’t hurt him.’

‘I’ll try,’ Tony assures her firmly and she nods, satisfied, and disappears.

He flies back, takes off the suit, puts on some clothes appropriate for the cold weather and goes outside, leaving a voice message to Happy. He makes his way across the almost snowless frost-bitten streets, taking random turns and not looking at the street names or at people’s faces, letting his thoughts run, trying to figure out how not to hurt Steve and not to ignore him, either. He doesn’t come up with a good answer because there is this one thing at the back of his head, always, a voice telling him that in the end he’ll just be a liar.

So instead he thinks about the blueprints he’s been working on, about the story Rhodey told him last week, about the cold feeling at the end of his fingers and toes, tries his best not to hyperventilate in the meantime, and he simply gets lost.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading & thank you even more for all your support, especially the fantastic comments :)


	4. IV

Steve calls on Saturday morning when Tony is about to leave for Riverside and asks if they could meet up sometime.

‘I developed some photos, I thought you might want to see them? You helped me a lot with the camera –’

‘Spider Man helped you more than me,’ Tony says and lets JARVIS forward it to Steve in the voice that Nate uses. ‘And sure we can meet. How about you come to my place? You haven’t had a chance to see it here. You could meet my personal A.I., he’s a sweetheart.’

‘I heard he has some skills,’ Steve chuckles; Tony can imagine pretty well how Clint’s tales could have been like. ‘Tomorrow is good?’

‘Lunchtime?’ Tony asks, hoping for a _yes_ because he’ll need his evening hours to pack and prepare for the hospital stay.

‘Sounds perfect.’

‘I’ll email you the address and directions – see you around noon?’

‘Swell,’ Steve replies cheerfully and hangs up and the room around Tony is suddenly filled with thick silence.

‘JARVIS, make sure to remind me to get some groceries so that we can make edible food tomorrow. Also, straws.’s

‘Straws, sir?’ the A.I. asks reluctantly, sounding as curious as he gets.

‘Yeah, straws, I’m gonna make us milkshakes or something, remember Steve liked them, right? That time we did a road trip? Milkshakes will be _swell_. Also, when I’m in the clinic and they dose me with something, I want my own set of lovely bendy straws to drink from.’

‘I will mark it as of utmost importance, then.’

Tony snickers, putting on his scarf and hat, wondering for millionth time why did he create such a smartass creature. Maybe Tony’s not the only one who can put up with J’s sassiness – Rhodey is good at it. And Pepper. That makes Tony feel safe.

 

 

‘I brought cake,’ is the first thing Steve says when Tony-as-Nate opens the door and a moment later Steve pushes the box into Tony’s hands and follows him inside. Tony doesn’t even have a moment to protest because he doesn’t like to be handled things – but then Nate doesn’t mind. Nate isn’t obsessive about being handed things.

‘Welcome, Captain Rogers,’ JARVIS says politely, just like Tony asked him to. They had a talk about how the A.I. should behave when strangers come by a long time ago, but since Steve knows about Iron Man and Nate, Tony let JARVIS be more at ease. ‘I’m sure sir would greet you, too, if his hands weren’t full of cake.’

‘Oh,’ Steve falters, taking off his thin jacket. ‘Sorry for that,’ he smiles sheepishly. Tony rolls his eyes at JARVIS and moves inside the flat, Steve a few steps behind him, and places the cake on the dining table.

‘Don’t mind him, JARVIS can be a prankster sometimes,’ he lets the A.I. translate his signs. ‘Thanks for the cake, you didn’t have to –’

‘I made it. Banana with chocolate frosting. Hope you like bananas?’

‘Banana and chocolate is great,’ Tony assures Steve and smiles when he sees Cap trying to copy the movements of his hands, spelling _banana_ and _chocolate_ , so he shows them a few more times, until Steve gets them right. ‘I made pasta salad. Hope you like pasta salad?’ he asks, quirking an eyebrow, and Steve beams.

‘Pasta salad is great,’ he says. ‘You know, I really wanted to thank you for inviting me over,’ he adds, taking the plates Tony took out of a cupboard a moment ago and setting them on the table. ‘It’s – well, that’ll be another old-fashioned notion, maybe, but it’s an exceptional experience to be in someone’s private space. It says a lot about you.’

‘What does this say about me?’ Tony asks, gesturing at the surrounding room, and takes the salad out of the fridge.

‘That would be cheating if I told you, wouldn’t it?’ Steve questions, setting the cutlery on the napkins he’s just neatly folded.

‘I see you’re finally learning to be sneaky,’ Tony comments, looking around. Ah yes, something to drink. Milkshakes later. ‘Just one thing?’

‘You have big dreams,’ Steve says in a hushed voice, smiling slightly. ‘Also, you don’t live alone. I’m glad you didn’t bend the truth about that. I wish I could meet them.’

‘Well,’ Tony pauses, considering introducing Steve to Happy for about half a second, but no. _No_. Steve would remember Happy’s face and connect it somehow, it’d end in a great mess and Tony doesn’t feel like taking the risk. ‘Maybe some other time. He’s out of the house a lot, busy with his own things.’

‘Sure, I don’t want to impose –’

They are about to sit down and Tony puts his hand on Steve’s to catch his attention, and then takes it back quickly.

‘You’re not. Imposing. It’s just kind of complicated.’

‘I think I’m living complicated, you know,’ Steve says with a soft sigh. ‘Being so-called superhero. In the future. Part of a very nice but messy team, living in a house with potential Hulk, then the thing… between us…’

‘ _Sorry_ , _’_ Tony signs, knowing that Steve will recognize the word.

‘No, don’t be. Please don’t. I didn’t mean it like that – I meant it’s just complicated. It’s not an accusation or anything. And I don’t mind it’s that way, I’d rather be your friend like right now than lose you.’

Tony sighs, closing his eyes for a moment and ignoring his strangely racing heart. It doesn’t matter, right? It doesn’t. It’s just words.

‘Let’s just eat now,’ JARVIS translates Tony’s signs and Steve nods and sits down, looking between his hands and somewhere behind Tony’s head, eyes unfocused. ‘We should forget all the complicated things. Let’s just eat and then I’ll show you some things.’

‘All right,’ Steve agrees and places a portion of the salad on his plate before giving the big spoon to Tony.

‘Have you been sightseeing anywhere recently?’ Tony asks before he grabs his fork and digs in, knowing that it’ll be easier for Steve to answer the question between bites than to keep a proper conversation. ‘You were planning to go to Staten Island the last time, right?’

Steve smiles with and nods, launching into a tale; Tony listens eagerly. When they are done with food and New York tales – they admittedly fascinate Tony and it’s not just pretending to be a Nate who is English, there are things that he genuinely didn’t get to do yet and it’s nice to hear Steve so happy about the little pleasures – Tony takes Steve to the workshop.

When they step inside, the room looks like a dark forest and Tony can’t help but chuckle fondly. It even smells like forest: resin and moist soil.

‘Spider Man did tell me that you had these amazing holograms, but it was more about playing a computer game house than… this,’ Steve comments, mesmerized, still standing in the doorway, as if stepping inside would make the illusion go away. ‘You prepared this?’

‘I asked my A.I. to surprise us,’ Tony says the half-truth and gestures at Steve to go in after him, but Steve is standing frozen in place, staring at the green and blue and black lines with wide eyes.

Okay, so maybe JARVIS surpassed himself this time. Tony usually ends up with a mini-planetarium above his head and that’ all he needs, so the forest is new to him, too.

‘Let’s go for a walk,’ he signs and walks up to Steve, takes his hand and leads him inside.

Steve hand is so, so warm.

They walk between the half-transparent trees for a few minutes, observing them closely and listening to the soft noises coming seemingly from nowhere, birds’ songs and rustle of leaves under their feet and howling wind. The workshop isn’t a very vast place but JARVIS changes the illusion constantly, leading them as if trough a labyrinth and Tony loves it. Steve seems to think the same.

‘Do you do this often?’ he asks finally, when the illusion clears into grassland with a panorama of New York from far away projected onto the windows instead of the actual view from inside the city.

There is a moment of hesitation when Tony notices that he’s been holding Steve’s hand all this time and he has to, if he wants to answer, but he doesn’t _want_ to. All right.

‘Not like this,’ Tony signs, ignoring the cold air wrapping around the suddenly exposed skin of his hands. ‘ _J, the usual_ ,’ he signs and smiles slightly, ignoring Steve’s questioning look. The forest disappears, revealing the normal chrome and grey look of the ‘shop, as clean as Dummy and Butterfingers and You could make it, but a moment later it’s bathed in darkness again.

The ceiling and the walls are suddenly a cupola covered with bright stars, more colorful and pronounced than in real, showing the configuration of yesterday’s night sky. Without city lights to overshadow the view, there is the Milky Way and the Moon’s glow just above the horizon, as well as some additional stars and galaxies that are there, beautiful and majestic but invisible to a human eye.

‘This is what sir usually uses the holograms for,’ JARVIS offers. Steve looks up, as if he was looking for the A.I.’s camera, the way he’s used to do at the HQ.

‘I don’t – you could do everything with this,’ Steve declares, turning to Tony, his eyes burning with fascination, and Tony blinks at those words. ‘You could create everything you wanted with those holograms, if you had to – like someplace the way it used to be, right? If you can make it like this,’ he adds, waving at the _sky_ above them, and Tony blinks again and then swallows hard and stumbles back, leaning against the nearest desk, because he’s just realized a thing he’s never thought about and it hurts damn much.

It’s crazy but – possible. Breathtaking.

‘Nate?’ Steve asks worriedly, standing closer to Tony, so close that Tony can feel his body heat, it’s a nice thing to concentrate when he tries to blink away tears. ‘Are you okay?’

Tony nods for yes but it’s unsure and Steve keeps frowning.

It’s just that Tony never thought, never _really_ thought about later, about the moment that will almost certainly come at some point when he will be in bad enough state to be confined to his bed and JARVIS – and this will be all he’ll have. The whole world, everything he can ask for, in a small space around him.

It feels terrible but at the same time oddly liberating.

‘ _I’m fine_ ,’ he signs, taking a deep breath. ‘Sometimes I forget how beautiful this is,’ he adds, JARVIS keeping Nate’s voice hushed. Apparently that’s a reply that Steve believes, with his artist’s soul, because he smiles weakly and nods and doesn’t ask any more questions.

‘I know Doctor Foster is an astrophysicist and not you, but do you know the stars? If you do this stargazing thing quite often?’

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Tony signs, and adds, ‘But JARVIS will help.’

Then makes a time-out gesture and almost runs out of the room, leaving confused Steve inside. He comes back a minute later, holding rolled blankets under his arms and two pillows in his hands, and makes a questioning face.

‘That’s clever,’ Steve laughs and takes on of the blanket, putting it on the floor and laying down. Tony follows his suit, he takes of the glasses before resting his head on the pillow and as soon as Steve says he’s comfortable, he shows Steve how it’s done: you have to point at the celestial body you’re interested in and JARVIS lets you _take_ it with your hand and then answers the questions.

Steve seems to love it, starting with the stars he recognizes, nudging Tony to play, too, and Tony chooses the stars and galaxies that he knows are most interesting, and then pretends not to stare at the lights reflecting in Steve’s bright eyes.

 

 

‘Hey,’ he hears somewhere over his head, a hushed and slightly amused voice. ‘Nate, wake up. I’ve got to go and I don’t want to leave you like that.’

Tony opens his eyes, blinking slowly, but the room is blissfully dim so he doesn’t have to squint – there’s Steve hovering over him.

Oh.

He has to stop himself from asking what’s happened and saying he’s sorry because well, he isn’t supposed to talk, so he just smiles a bit lopsidedly and Steve removes himself from his field of vision. Tony sits up, slowly, finds the glasses he left on the floor without looking and puts them on.

Steve is seated cross-legged on the other blanker, smiling fondly at Tony blinking away the sleepiness.

‘You dozed off,’ he says as if it was the most endearing thing in the world. ‘I didn’t want to wake you up. JARVIS said you were tired, so. Whatever he says, I trust him. We talked a bit and he gave me a tour of the workshop, but I’m afraid now it’d time for me to go.’

Tony frowns, trying to remember falling asleep, but the last thing he can recall is JARVIS talking about Curiosity as Steve seemed rather fascinated with the robot’s story.

‘ _Sorry_ , he signs and gives JARVIS a somehow threatening look. ‘You should have woken me up, I’m sorry, I guess I was more tired than I thought,’ JARVIS translates. Steve shakes his head, his eyes still sparkling.

‘No, no, it’s fine. I guess it means you trust me,’ he adds, raising an eyebrow, and Tony nods reluctantly. It probably does. Subconsciously.

‘If you say so,’ Tony agrees, standing up. Steve rolls his blanket perfectly and takes Tony’s out of his hands, letting him keep the pillows. Tony snickers at that but doesn’t say anything, just lets Steve do it if that makes him happy.

‘I know you said you won’t be around much this month, but give me a call when you’re, I don’t know, available? Ugh, that sounds bad,’ Steve laughs tightly, making his way across the room to get his jacket.

‘I’ll give you a call,’ Tony assures him and opens the door for Steve. ‘It was fun.’

‘It was swell,’ Steve says and they both chuckle. His vocabulary is much broader and modern now but this has become sort of an inside joke. ‘ _Thank you_. _Goodbye_ ,’ he signs and steps out of the flat and waves at Tony before disappearing in the dark staircase.

Tony stays for a few more moments, leaning against the doorframe and listening to the echo of Cap’s footsteps and then it ceases, he closes the door with a sigh and looks at the clock: it’s almost five. High time to get ready for tomorrow.

 

 

‘What should I call you for the duration of this closed door meeting?’ Levy asks when Tony enters her office the next morning. ‘I know you made sure no one is listening. I made sure no one will bother us, in case you were wondering. So you can speak freely.’

‘Call me my name, then,’ Tony decides, crossing his legs, and looks at Levy expectantly.

‘All right, Tony,’ she smiles, pulling out what has to be his file from the desk’s top drawer. ‘We’ll be preforming a few scans and procedures to see how everything is going, if we need to adjust anything in your treatment or you meds. I’ll tell you what exactly will be going on in the next few days and then I’ll take you upstairs to your room and then you’ll meet the intern that’ll get all your labs done so that I’ll know what we’re dealing with when we meet tomorrow.’

‘All right,’ Tony agrees but still looks at her expectantly. He knew all of that already and he knows very well that it’s not what the meeting is about.

‘I need to make sure you know what we’ll be discussing when we have your tests’ results, Tony,’ she says after a moment of silence and Tony locks his eyes on her. ‘You know you don’t have much time. I won’t lie to you because you’re too smart and frankly, I hate lying to my patients. I think you’d rather know everything, whatever it might be.’

‘Of course –’

‘I want you to think about one thing before tomorrow, okay? I won’t be asking right now about how you feel but I need you to think about that. I know you’re not the one to whine and cry but I need you to think about everything and be honest with yourself and therefore be honest with me. We’ll give you update on treatment options when we know more, but you have to think if you want to continue treatment.’

‘You mean –’

‘Just give it a thought because from your face I can tell you haven’t, not really, but it _is_ an option, too. Stopping the treatment. It depends on you only because I cannot force you to do anything or talk you into making a decision, but I need you to consider it.’

‘So I should think if I want to stop radiation?’

‘Not now, not yet. Not necessarily. I just need to make sure you realize it’s an option.’

‘But –’

‘I think you’ll know that it’s time to make that decision when it comes,’ Levy says, not letting Tony say anything more. That’s probably for the best because she’s replying to the questions he doesn’t get ask anyway.

There is a moment of silence that feels like it’s stretching endlessly even though Tony knows it’s just a few seconds. Levy is looking at his file and Tony is looking at her, his mind blank.

‘So you’re telling me all this because?’

‘I want you to be prepared for whatever news we might have for you. I know it’s extremely difficult for you and I’m glad you have Happy and Doctor Eisen here with you, but I need to know that _you_ are dealing with it.’

‘You want me to talk to someone?’

‘It’s an option, you know. I know it’d be difficult for you –’

‘Because no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to tell them the whole truth. Is there a point in trying a therapist when I can’t tell them the whole truth?’

‘If they can answer a single question you have, it’s worth it,’ Levy says with conviction and Tony almost feels like believing her words. ‘Just think about it. There is a medical specialization called psycho-oncology for a reason.’

‘All right, I guess I can,’ Tony agrees. Maybe he can really give it a thought.

‘I’ll take you upstairs now so that you can get familiar with the place and I will see you tomorrow morning.’

‘Sure thing, doc,’ he says, standing up and holding the door open for her, one hand already fishing out his Starkphone to type on.

 

 

For the next two days there are tests and more tests and a transfusion, leaving Tony groggy and tired and slightly achy but that was all rather predictable. What Tony didn’t expect was Levy telling him that they found the first metastatic tumor in his liver; it was likely to happen and honestly Tony has been lucky that it’s been this long, but this situation being _real_ brings everything to a different level.

‘The tumor is near inferior vena cava,’ Levy tells Tony is her practiced calming voice, ‘so it could be risky to remove it surgically. While I’d probably recommend a surgery to most patients, in your case…’

‘The reactor complicates things?’

‘Yes, it reduces your lung capacity significantly so it’s more difficult to keep you all right in the OR. Not to mention the actual shrapnel in your body,’ she says, looking at his apologetically, as if it was her fault that he’s – like this.

‘Doesn’t the magnet interfere with your equipment?’

‘So far, no, but you’re the engineer.’

‘What can you do then?’ Tony asks, wrapping his arms around his chest tightly.

‘I wouldn’t want to put you on another chemo, that would be too strenuous and it might end up doing more bad than good – there’s tumor ablation. I think it’s the best way, the tumor is small so it should be fine and the procedure is minimally invasive. Most patients don’t even feel anything afterwards and can go home the next day.’

‘I remember JARVIS mentioning it at some point – which kind?’

‘Radiofrequency. It’d work best for you. It’s a relatively simple procedure. We can do it while you’re here this week. Tomorrow, even.’

‘Would anyone else need to be there?’

‘I can do it,’ Levy assures him and Tony breathes out in relief. There is a very limited number of people who know about the reactor and he’d like to keep it that way. ‘Liver is a typical place of metastasis, I’ve done it many times. Doctor Eisen can be there, if you want him. We’ll use local anesthesia so you’ll be awake.’

‘All right,’ Tony breathes, ‘all right. Let’s do it tomorrow and then I’ll go home,’ he adds, trying to keep his voice level but it’s not exactly working.

He nods at Levy, gets up and drags himself back to _his_ room only to see Doc waiting for him.

‘You’ll try the ablation, right?’

‘She told you already?’ Tony asks after he’s closed the door behind himself and makes his way to his bed. ‘Yeah. Levy said it could help more than anything else. Radiation is working as well as we could hope for. Apparently I’m lucky,’ Tony states. The words sound more sad than irritated when he says them out loud.

‘And you’re not in pain.’

‘Doc,’ Tony says, sighing, and sits in front of the man on a bare hospital chair. ‘Damn, I don’t even know if I’m in pain anymore. I told that to Levy and I will tell that to every damn person who asks me about this: I. Don’t. Know. I’ve got something lodged in a hole in the middle my chest and it’s here all the fucking time and I don’t know if anything else around there hurts, okay? I can tell then I’m in pain. I can’t tell if there’s a constant ache everyone keeps asking about.’

‘I know, kiddo.’

‘So?’

‘Well –’

‘So you’re just gonna stare at me?’

‘I’m looking at you,’ Doc says, leaning back in his chair and narrowing his eyes slightly. ‘I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in your head. Do _you_ know what’s going on in your head?’

‘I don’t have a fucking idea,’ Tony admits, burying his face in his hands, wondering when did that happen. It’s just so, so much confusion about everything, and he was hoping that things would – clarify, the sooner it gets.

‘I know you don’t want to talk about this, but I’m your doctor and I feel like I have to do this, all right?’ Doc asks. Tony can feel the man’s stare burning a hole in his head. ‘All right?’

‘All right,’ Tony agrees weakly. ‘Yeah?’

‘I think it would be good for you to meet with a palliative care specialist. Wait – I know Levy mentioned it but just in passing and – hey, Tony,’ Doc says, noticing that Tony’s not moving. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I don’t want to hear that,’ Tony whispers, barely keeping himself from shaking. ‘I know I have to. But I don’t want to.’

‘A specialist would help you immensely – that’s what we’re for, you know.’

‘Yeah,’ Tony breathes, trying to calm himself down a little bit.

‘And if you don’t want to talk to a therapist or anyone which I think is silly because I’m a doctor but I totally understand because I know you, a palliative care specialist would have the answers you’ll need. Okay?’

‘I don’t have questions,’ Tony mutters and he’s pretty sure Doc can’t hear him but can guess what Tony is mumbling.

‘I’m here if you need to find someone or if you need to talk, you know that. I know this whole thing, this tests and results and talks are depressing and a little bit morbid, but it’s a stage that you have to go through. Things that come with time.’

‘I’m not good at waiting,’ Tony chuckles because he’s said that so, so many times but it’s never before means what it means now.

‘But you’re good at not wasting time,’ Doc counters, beaming at Tony. ‘You’re a damn champion at not wasting time.’

‘Did I tell you we’re working on some really fancy neuroprosthetics? We’re almost done, me and JARVIS. It’ll be ready for the experimental phase in a few weeks.’

Doc blinks a few times, with an unreadable look on his face, and then he bursts out laughing loudly, his voice booming in the small space.

‘You know what?’ he asks when he finally calms down a bit, wiping tears from his cheeks, and Tony shakes his head for no. ‘You’re so damn _impossible_.’

‘That’s me,’ Tony says and it sounds – so right. ‘That’s me.’

 

 

The evening after Tony’s procedure Rhodey manages to sneak in the clinic to see him for a few minutes. It’s complicated as Tony doesn’t want Rhodey or Pepper to be seen with him, it’s a long shot but he doesn’t want to risk people asking questions since both of them are public persons and if they have a new buddy, it’s always interesting to the world. So Levy made sure Rhodey has a clear way to get into Tony’s room and gave them some time to talk. It’s all pretty funny, Tony thinks, as if someone was sneaking in and out their teenage love’s house in a cheap movie.

He’d be flattered if he wasn’t preoccupied with being scared.

‘I know that it’s illogical and it’s not real but sometimes it’s as if I could feel it, you know,’ he tells Rhodey after they’ve exchanged all the _how are you doing_ et caetera. ‘When I run a hand across my abdomen when I shower or when I undress. That’s – it’s distressing, you know? It’s awful. It makes me feel like throwing up because they _can’t cut it out_.’

‘I’m sure if they could –’

‘I know, if it was possible they would have cut it out back then but it wasn’t and it’s been a long time and – I don’t know. It’s just there.’

‘Tony –’

‘Okay, so just ignore me,’ Tony says, looking away and trying not to let his voice sound as tearful as it feels. Being mute has this one big advantage, no one gets to read your emotions from your tone. That’s a pretty great advantage. ‘I’m just being hysterical here –’

‘And it’s completely normal,’ Rhodey cuts in, moving closer to Tony, until they sit arm in arm on the hospital bed. ‘It’s normal and it’s human and it’s _fine_ , you’re doing amazing, all right? You’re doing better than anyone would expect of you. Give yourself some credit.’

‘I should be somewhere else, inventing artificial organs or something, that would at least help with keeping me fucking alive, and thousands of people, but –’

‘That tech is years away, decades away, and I’m pretty sure if anyone could get it done sometime soon it would be you, you damn brilliant bastard, but it _doesn’t_ _matter_. It doesn’t matter, do you get it?’ Rhodey asks, making Tony look at him. Rhodey’s eyes are dark and firm and Tony knows he wouldn’t be able to say _no_. ‘Don’t blame yourself for not making the impossible real. It _is_ impossible. You have to accept that. Can you do that?’

‘I don’t know – I can, yes, I can, but I don’t want to. I want to think I could do it, I want to know I can do it, I want to make it happen. I want this to end. I want all this damn mess to go away, all right? Just that! Is it so much to ask for?’ Tony almost shouts at Rhodey. That’s – that’s not nice. But he’s not sure he cares.

Rhodey just stares at his for a moment that feels like infinity.

‘Is that about today?’ he finally asks, much calmer and quieter than Tony has expected.

‘What about today?’

‘You had a long talk with Doctor Levy.’

‘We had a damn long talk, right,’ Tony parrots, looking away from Rhodey’s eyes and staring at his calloused hands. ‘It was probably overdue, too, but I’m that guy who’s afraid to face the truth, especially when someone else is involved, you know? We can do great, JARVIS and me. It’s easy when it’s just us. Don’t – don’t even start,’ he says, noticing that Rhodey wants to interrupt. ‘I know we’ve talked about this a lot. And I get what you’ve been telling me. And you’re here, right? I let you come. Fuck, I even asked you to come and I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you’re all here. It’s just that it would be easier.’

‘I get it,’ Rhodey assures him in a whisper, wrapping his arm around Tony’s shoulders, clad in a hospital gown. ‘And I’m not leaving.’

‘You should sneak out before the nurses Levy shoved out of the corridor come back. They shouldn’t see you here. No one should see you here.’

‘I will go, don’t worry, we’ve got – JARVIS?’

‘Eight minutes forty seconds, Colonel.’

‘You heard,’ Rhodey states, tightening his embrace. ‘We have that much before I’ve got to run.’

‘Tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow,’ Tony demands, leaning into Rhodey’s hug and finally relaxing, his breathing calm and easy. ‘Any Hammer tech to spoil your day?’

 

 

On Saturday Tony wakes up after the first night this week he spent in his own bed, rested and feeling all right and ready to go out for a walk with Annik; the older kids are leaving for a small field trip again so there are only a few youngest staying behind. The weather is nice, misty and moist but nice, so they end up in a park.

When he’s going back home, he gets a text from Fury telling him to find a place for a meeting. Tony stops in the middle of the pavement, staring at the words with bewilderment, and then texts back the address for his big workshop and catches the next bus what will take him nearby. Fury gets there almost an hour later when Tony is doing some comforting manual work on one of his prototype robots.

‘I’ve got the newest weapons we extracted from south-east Asia a few days ago,’ Fury states without as much as a greeting, but that’s rather expected. ‘I got them here for you even though they should stay at the local branch, according to protocol, so you better give me some answers, _weapons specialist._ ’

‘All right,’ Tony says, putting away the tools and wiping his hands on the t-shirt while Fury places a case on the nearest desk. ‘What are they?’

‘Just guns. Very efficient and very unusual guns. The design is slightly different from what we’ve collected before but there are some traits in common and we know for sure the men who used them were connected to the previous few dealers we incapacitated.’

‘Show me,’ Tony orders, walking up closer to the desk and Fury opens the gray case that’s been sitting on his desk.

‘Looks normal, doesn’t it?’ Fury wonders aloud observing as Tony takes the gun out, weighs it in his hands and looks for a serial number or a name of the weapon or _anything_.

‘No letters, no numbers, no symbols… Doesn’t exactly help with finding out who made them.’

Tony nods, looking closely at the device in his hands, a cold feeling crawling across his body just under his skin because he’s almost sure he knows. He dismantles the gun with swift practiced movement – it’s surprisingly easy, thanks to muscle memory – and places the gun parts on the top of the case, the black standing out on the light gray background, and then he shoves the case with the gun off the desk, putting as much strength as he can into the movement. The case falls and slides across the dark floor, stopping on the opposite wall, gun parts scattered on the floor.

‘Stark?’

‘It’s Howard’s,’ Tony spits out, feeling very much like breaking something else, like hitting something or punching someone in the face very strongly. ‘It’s his design from early 70s that never went into commercial production. I’ve seen the blueprints. There weren’t any made, besides a model Howard created personally, so this – this shouldn’t fucking exist.’

He can hear JARVIS tell him to calm down and breathe even though the A.I. is silent, but if he was to speak up, he’d definitely say _breathe, sir_ , in this incredible calm voice, and he’d say _we will make this right_.

They will.

‘Give me everything – and I mean _everything_ – you have on this case and I’ll take care of it. I take care of the weapons, you may have the men but I want into interrogations and I want all transcripts.’

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’

‘Are you kidding me?’ Tony asks, raising eyebrows questioningly. ‘Really, are you? I don’t trust anyone with this. I need to make it right or I’ll find a way to strangle Stane to death, bring my father back from the dead and strangle him, too.’

‘Why are you feeling so emotional about this? It’s just weapons.’

‘I thought I made myself clear some time ago,’ Tony scoffs, wondering if anyone but him and JARVIS could ever really understand that decision. ‘No more weapons. And I’m not going to sleep until I’m sure there are no more weapons signed with my name. And don’t – don’t tell me it’s different. That’s what Iron Man does, that’s what I do. I take care of that stuff. That’s the least I can do.’

‘Well,’ Fury says, staring right at Tony with his piercing glare, and then sighs. ‘You got it.’

‘I want the data tonight, then. Goodbye,’ Tony says, gesturing at the door, and Fury leaves, taking big steps, after just half a second of hesitation. Tony doesn’t feel like he can focus on work anymore today so he picks up the gun pieces from the floor, throws them into the case, leaving it on the desk. Then he puts on the suit and flies back home.

‘JARVIS?’ Tony asks as soon as he gets into the flat.

‘Yes, sir?’

‘I don’t care what you have to do – use all available resources. Focus on nothing but the search: we have the names. Make sure you follow those people. Hack everything you’ve got to hack, you have my blessing, but I need this situation resolved. I need to know where they produce the weapons and I need to know who does that and I need to ask them a few questions about Stane.’

‘I will do my best. You are aware that I might not find anything, though.’

‘Are you trying to secure your ass in case you don’t because if yes, that’s completely unnecessary. You can do it. If I didn’t think so, I’d do it myself, well, if I could keep myself from throwing up for long enough to focus on hacking. Or something.’

‘I am sure you would do great no matter the circumstances, sir, but you definitely should rest unless you want to face Miss Potts’ wrath.’

‘I better rest,’ Tony agrees, nestling his head between the two soft pillows. ‘Just do it and I’ll let you fly there and blow the stuff up.’

‘That is an extremely tempting offer,’ JARVIS declares smugly and then goes silent, busy with his new top priority task.

 

 

On Monday Tony is back at the clinic for radiation so the week continues in a monotone familiar way of clinic – home – workshop. He’s not feeling too well but it’s not terrible so he balances his time between resting and light work.

A few days later it’s finally the first day of spring and it even feels like spring, with warm wind and hazy sunshine, and Tony decides that it’s finally time to give Happy his overdue birthday gift. He spends the dinner trying to distract Happy from the fact that he’s more picking on his food than actually eating – it doesn’t work too well – and when they’re done, he asks Happy to follow him to the ‘shop.

‘I promised you this a long time ago, like, months ago, but since it never actually happened, here you are,’ he says, nodding at JARVIS, and a moment later Happy is staring with wide eyes at a sky blue suit. It’s visibly different from all Marks, the shape is different and it’s bigger and the arc reactor is hidden behind a chest plate.

‘Boss?’ Happy asks, still staring, and Tony breaks into a grin.

‘ _Happy_ birthday,’ Tony says, not bothering to keep the cheerfulness out of his voice. Happy turns around and stares at him instead, making Tony chuckle. ‘It’s yours.’

‘You made me a damn flying suit for my birthday?’ Happy questions and Tony nods. ‘You’re crazy,’ Happy declares, turning back to look at the suit.

‘I chose your favorite color? Tony half-states, half-asks, as if it was supposed to help.

And it does.

‘Yeah, you did, boss,’ Happy says quietly, taking a few shy steps towards the suit and then placing his hands on the metal forearms carefully, as something was going to break.

‘Now you only have to learn to fly, I can give you pointers and I’m pretty sure Dummy and You and Butterfingers would be more than happy to assist you with a camera, a fire extinguisher and some snacks while I observe –’

‘You can’t do that to me, that’s cruel, I don’t have an idea how to fly, maybe I’m afraid of flying –’

‘You’re not, you gonna love it and well, you can’t refuse because I’m terminally ill and you’re supposed to do everything to keep me happy and cheerful and seeing you flying would make me happy and cheerful, besides, it’s beautiful spring and you gotta let the positive atmosphere in.’

There is a moment of silence, and then Happy asks, ‘Did you just make a dying guy joke?’

‘I think I did,’ Tony admits, frowning slightly. That’s the first.

He wonders if it means something.

‘You’re making jokes now,’ Happy says dramatically, ‘I have no idea how I’m supposed to last your beautiful spring if you’re making jokes, you’ll be the most insufferable dying guy in the world –’

‘I guess I will,’ Tony agrees, raising eyebrows at Happy. Then Happy turns back, their looks cross and they both burst out laughing and Tony gets this bone-deep feeling that this spring may really bring something good.

 

 

Then the cozy week vibe is broken by JARVIS saying he has some news on Friday evening.

‘I found a factory, sir, where the weapons are produced. It might be one of a few, I am still running a search in three other places, but one of the people you found out last month led me there. There is thirteen people working there right now –’

‘Kind of cozy.’

‘Agreed, sir. What shall we do with the men? I understand you want to destroy the weapons.’

‘Tranq the guys, take them outside and leave for S.H.I.E.LD., when they say you said you won’t be around in March tell them it’s already the end of the month. And blow up the factory with everything inside. Make sure _everything_ is gone – oh, and make sure there are no virtual traces of the blueprints. Please.’

‘Are you sure you’re comfortable with me doing all ofthe job, sir?’

‘I am, silly. Of course I am,’ Tony assures J, wishing he could pat his head or do anything that just says endless words. ‘And keep looking.’

JARVIS does and less than 24 hours later, he has more information, it’s like an avalanche of information which Tony is thankful for, even if he’d rather none of these places ever existed.

‘Two other sites have been confirmed to produce the weapons,’ JARVIS tells Tony. ‘One in South America, one in Asia, and there is the one in Africa we already talked about.’

‘That sounds just about right, given where Fury picked up the guns, they sold locally. Makes sense.’

‘How do you want me to proceed now, sir?’

It takes Tony a few long minutes to reply to that. He has quite a few ideas but the problem is that with the level of communication available everywhere, if Iron Man raids one of the factories, the two others might disappear by the time he gets there. And Tony doesn’t feel like handing the case over to S.H.I.E.L.D. or anyone else because it’s his damn job and he’s got to fix this. It’s Howards and Stane and he’s got to _fix_ this.

‘I want you to take Mark VI and X and fly them close to the factories. Do the same thing in all places ** _;_** blow the warehouses up, tranq people. Kill only if absolutely necessary and I trust you to asses that. Cut all communications you can manage to cut before you start, give it an hour between attacks, if you can, if there’s any movement that might make it impossible, screw the one hour and make sure the job’s done.’

‘And how will you explain Iron Man’s appearance in such remote places in a short span of time?’

‘He’s a superhero,’ Tony laughs. It hurts around his chest but that’s a price he’s willing to pay because he’s damn happy this is finally going to be over. ‘I’ll say just that – _we_ will say just that. He’s a superhero. He’s allowed to do some unexplainable things.’

‘I am trembling with anticipation for that moment,’ JARVIS deadpans, making Tony laugh even more.

‘You should,’ he says when he can breathe better. ‘Damn right you should because it won’t be my doing, it’s your op, it’s all yours, and every word of praise we’re gonna hear will be about you and you only.’

‘Sir –

‘Don’t _sir_ me here. Be proud. Daddy loves you.’

‘You have a special place in my heart, too,’ JARVIS says, sounding slightly mocking but Tony knows it’s genuine.

 

 

Two days later, while Tony is half-laying in a comfortable armchair in his workshop, observing how Happy gets better and better at finding his balance in the suit and trying not to throw up, JARVIS tells him he’s three minutes away from all three targets.

‘Pull up a big screen on the wall on my left,’ Tony orders and the A.I. obliges, turning the whole big wall into an interactive holographic display. ‘Divide in three, vertically, and show me all feeds, just in case, I fancy some views, and follow the plan. Not going anywhere so I have time to wait – and throw in all the data I need to know. Good,’ he adds when the image appears. ‘Now, JARVIS, baby, go _rock_.’

‘I shall try, sir,’ JARVIS says placidly, turning up the volume of the music. The heavy guitar noises fill the workshop the way Tony loves, so he smiles, tells Happy to keep practicing, and lets a shiver of excitement run down his spine as if it was him inside the suits. It’s exhilarating to watch JARVIS being badass and amazing and doing everything the same way Tony would, as if he was reading Tony’s thoughts.

The attacks go exactly as planned, luckily with no need to kill anyone and with lots of explosions. S.H.I.E.L.D. teams in all three places were informed early enough to be able to get to the scenes about fifteen minutes after JARVIS so he disappears in the suit as soon as a team gets nearby, first in Bolivia, then in Congo and finally in Vietnam.

‘Finished, sir. All weapons I could detect are destroyed, as well as any files I was able to trace electronically.’

‘Well done, J,’ Tony smiles. ‘Now fly the suits home and rest,’ he adds, getting up from his comfortable seat, and makes his way to the kitchen. Happy is making dinner and he needs to know the good news as soon as possible.

Before Tony manages to finish the sentence, though, the apartment’s door open and there is a familiar clicking on the hardwood floor that Tony wouldn’t mistake with anything else in the world.

‘Pepper,’ he greets her, but she doesn’t reply. She shakes off her heels and throws her coat on the sofa and then walks up to Tony almost silently. There are strands of hair falling out of her tight ponytail and that means she’s been in hurry.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asks in a raised voice, wrapping her hands around his wrists. ‘Why are you here and not halfway across the world? Why haven’t you given me a word? I think I told you enough times how it feels to see news about Iron Man in TV instead of being politely warned – I thought it as you and you’re supposed to be in radiation and –’

‘It wasn’t me,’ Tony says, maneuvering his hands the way he can wrap his fingers around hers, too. ‘I was here the whole time. I’d tell you if it was me.’

‘Then how –’

‘JARVIS,’ Tony states simply. ‘It needed to be done and I couldn’t go, I wasn’t able to, so JARVIS did it.’

‘JARVIS?’

‘Yeah. Him.’

‘Oh,’ Pepper breathes and bites her lip the way she always does when she’s confused. ‘ _How_?’

‘Three suits. J is amazing like that, don’t pretend to be surprised, you know that, you’ve knows that for years – hey, did you think I figured out teleportation or something and didn’t tell you? Because I may make everyone else think Iron Man has super-superpowers but you know it’s just me and JARVIS and no, I wouldn’t have been able to be in three places at once or move that quickly,’ Tony makes a small pause, waiting for a reaction from Pepper, but she’s just staring at him, so he adds, ‘if I figured out teleportation, you’d totally be the first person I’d tell so that you could get to all your meetings without wasting time in cars and on planes and you’d have more time for audiobooks and martinis and annoying former billionaires – okay? Right?’

‘Okay,’ she agrees, blinking as if she saw him for the first time ever. ‘Okay.’

‘If you’re here you can stay for dinner, I hope you have clear schedule –’

‘Tony,’ she cuts in, still holding him, ‘so JARVIS is the hero today? The superhero? His first stunt?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ she says, looking up, ‘congratulations, JARIVS.’

‘You know what?’ Tony asks, fixing his eyes on the ceiling camera, too, even if it doesn’t matter much to JARVIS. ‘You’re going to fill in Iron Man’s role when I can’t be him anymore. You’re amazing and you did amazing and I trust you with his, J. You’re gonna be on the misfit team and you’ll be perfect there. You do it.’

‘Sir –’

‘I agree with Tony, JARVIS,’ Pepper says, stopping JARVIS from expressing his insecurity. ‘I believe a _thank you_ is in order.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ JARVIS says obediently his voice warm, and Tony beams at him.

This spring is _definitely_ going to be interesting.

 

 

In the morning after radiation Tony is in his workshop, finishing the robot he’s been working on last week, when JARVIS informs him that Fury wants to see him. Tony tells J that he’ll go to the HQ since he’s feeling fine, and when he gets there half an hour later, he sneaks into the director’s office without making detours on his way.

‘I have just three questions for you,’ Fury says as soon as the doors are closed.

‘Yeah?’

‘Did you let someone inside your suits or did you let your A.I. pilot them?’

‘JARVIS was the pilot,’ Tony replies truthfully, scoffing, and sits on the edge of the chair in front of Fury. ‘Second?’

‘Smart of you, to urge me to ask you when I feel like strangling you for an unsanctioned op conducted by a fucking A.I. –’

‘With all due respect, Director, it was Iron Man’s call,’ JARVIS says through S.H.I.E.L.D. communication system, almost making Fury flinch.

‘A smartass A.I.,’ Fury sighs. Tony tries to evaluate the impression that Fury’s voice is laced with fondness underneath the bored anger. ‘All right then, the second things is – I didn’t urge you ‘cause after out last two talks you were busy but now I need to know what’s going on with my A.I.’

‘I was ready for the moment _you_ were ready for him,’ Tony declares cheerfully which is pretty tough since his abdomen and his head are aching dully, he can ignore it but it’s slightly distracting when he’s pretending to be just fine. ‘Next week.’

‘All right –’

‘Third?’

‘Are you going to talk to Stane at some point?’ Fury asks, lowering his voice. Tony doesn’t reply because he just doesn’t know what to say. It’s _complicated_. ‘Are you? I tried to talk to him. He knows I was Howard’s friend. He won’t talk to me, he just… smiled at me smugly and I couldn’t wipe that smirk off his damn face.’

‘Not now,’ Tony says, his voice hard. ‘I don’t know. Not now.’

‘Well, I can’t make you, even if it’s a very tempting vision. But my three questions are over, so you can go –’

‘No, I have a question, too,’ Tony. ‘I was meaning to ask, what gave me away? I thought I was pretty… thorough. Do you have x-ray vision hidden behind the eye patch or something?’

‘The reactor,’ Fury says simply, ignoring Tony’s babbling.

_Oh._

‘I knew your father very well and you know that. So, that shade of blue in the middle on Iron Man’s chest and apparently powering the suit, it was pretty obvious when you know what you’re looking for. I know it doesn’t look like the reactor, not ever remotely similar to the big one at Stark Industries plant in California, but I just knew it. And don’t worry, all the other people who could put things together are dead. Or almost dead.’

‘Stane? Could he…’ Tony trails off, almost inaudibly, as his body freezes involuntarily.

‘I don’t know about Stane,’ Fury says easily, making Tony cringe because damn that doesn’t sound as innocent as it probably should. ‘Stane is just a businessman, he’s not a scientist or an engineer. Such things are way beyond him,’ Fury adds, almost making Tony chuckle. ‘There were a few people who worked on the reactor with Howard, but as I said. Dead. Or… permanently silenced.’

Tony stares at Fury for a long moment without blinking, trying to wrap his head around what Director just said, and in the end he breathes a small _thank you_.

‘Damn right you should thank me, brat, I’ve had my eye on you. I gotta say you took me by surprise at that press conference when you came back.’

‘Like everyone else,’ Tony shakes his head, trying not to remember that particular time. It was full of triggers and nightmares and other unpleasant things, and it’s better to leave it all faded. ‘So, that agent –’

‘It was Phil,’ Fury cuts in, with this almighty smirk plastered across his face, leaning back in his chair.

‘It was _Phil_?’

‘I had to send someone who knew what they were doing.’

‘Aww, Fury, give me more of that and I’ll start to think that you care,’ Tony says, faking innocence and trying to figure if things would have gone different if he did talk to Phil back them and if he interacted with S.H.I.E.L.D. while he was still Stark. There are too many scenarios in his head, though, so he cuts the thoughts off.

‘I don’t _care_ ,’ Fury spats, sounding more annoyed than angry, as if the sole idea hurt him somehow, ‘but I look out for my assets. And Iron Man is a damn good asset.’

‘You’re too nice today,’ Tony declares, leaning forward a little, fixing his eyes on the man’s face and trying to figure out what’s underneath that permanent scowl. ‘People aren’t nice unless they have their agenda. Or unless they’re Captain America.’

‘You would know that, wouldn’t you? On both counts,’ Fury pauses, giving Tony a firm look. ‘And you’re right.’

‘So? What is it that you need from me?’

‘I don’t need anything from you,’ Fury replies, frowning. Tony doesn’t like that look. ‘I want to know if you need anything from _me_.’

‘Why would I?’

‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ Fury questions loudly, standing up, and wraps his arms behind his back. ‘Do you? I’d have to be fucking blind not to see something’s wrong. Especially now when you know that _I_ know and I have a damn good point of reference,’ he says, making Tony cringe. ‘Oh, so I’m right. Thank you for making me even more sure.’

‘Fury –’

‘If you don’t want to tell me, then fucking don’t. I don’t care about your games. You do what you want, all right, I’ve got the World Council glaring at me on the top of all the insanity that S.H.I.E.L.D. manages, so I really don’t have time to play. I just want you to tell me,’ Fury state in a strange voice, stopping two steps away from Tony, making him look up, ‘if you need anything from me.’

‘No,’ Tony replies slowly, keeping his face as blank as he can manage. ‘No.’

He expects some more questions or orders or anything, but Fury just gives him this long look, sighs – it’s almost sounds like a scoff – and steps back.

‘Well. Since you barged in rudely, now it’s time for you to leave. I’m busy.’

‘All right,’ Tony replies, standing up, trying to make the movement slow without looking unnatural. ‘See ya, pirate,’ he adds, just because he can, and almost runs out of the room.

 

 

Friday 29th is the last day of radiation and when Tony gets home from the clinic, he orders JARVIS to run some tests he’s been meaning to supervise and then he goes to bed. He couldn’t sleep at night, just tossed restlessly for long hours, sweaty and achy, listening to JARVIS’ constant voice. But it didn’t help, he couldn’t shut his brain down, he couldn’t silence it, the thoughts just kept coming and wearing him out so he really needs a nap now.

By some miracle he falls asleep and wakes up full three hours later, just after noon.

‘Captain Rogers left a message less than half an hour ago. He asked if you are back now and if you could meet sometime soon.’

‘Did he say anything else?’ Tony asks blearily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

‘No.’

‘Then text him and tell him to come over.’

‘Are you sure this is a good –’

‘JARVIS,’ Tony cuts in firmly. ‘Buddy, please, don’t do this to me, everyone does this to me and I don’t want coddling, okay? I just had lots of time to think recently and there is something I need to tell Steve. It could wait but I don’t want it to wait, I won’t do anything important today anyway so I could as well talk to him and eat some pizza or something. Or whatever. So, be a good boy and text him.’

‘I just did.’

‘Right,’ Tony sighs, looking around the slightly messy room. ‘Need to find some decent clothing.’

‘Captain wrote he’ll come around four.’

‘That’s fine… Happy?’

‘Will be at gym at that time.’

‘Great,’ Tony mutters, fishing his favorite checked shirt out of the wardrobe. When he’s dressed, he makes his way to the kitchen to get some lunch and then spends some time in the workshop, playing with the bots. It’s supposed to be a test he needs for the next upgrade of the holograms, probably unnecessary as they are already years ahead any other available tech – but it’s fun and it’s family time that Tony really, really loves.

Steve arrives at four sharp, just as expected, and greets Tony with signed _hello_ and then _missed you_.

‘ _Missed you too_ ,’ Tony signs back, smiling, and invites Steve to come inside.

‘Congratulations about your spectacular op,’ Steve says, taking off his jacket. ‘It looks like you were busier than me which is good, I think. Is it good? I don’t like sitting around and doing nothing,’ he explains with an apologetic face. ‘Sorry. I’m ranting. It’s just – it’s really nice to see you in person.’

‘It’s been a long month,’ JARVIS translates for Tony. ‘But it’ll be April soon and we’ve got the team meeting and training and lots of things going on so I won’t disappear on you again.’

‘That’d be nice,’ Steve chuckles and follows Tony deeper into the flat.

‘Would you fancy a milkshake?’

‘Milkshake?’

‘I know you like them – the road trip. And I wanted to make some last time but I fell asleep.’

‘I’d love some. Do I get to choose?’

‘You can,’ Tony replies and before turning around to get the ice cream out of the freezer he adds, ‘but you’ll get chocolate cherry anyway.’

‘All right,’ Steve laughs, ‘sounds great.’

Tony nods and gets the tub out, placing it on the counter, then he crouches to get the cherries out of one of the low drawers and when he’s standing up, with the tiny basket in his hand, his head swims and there’s this sudden loud buzz in his ears and he falls, the darkness claiming him.

 

 

‘… okay, can you hear me? Please tell me you’re okay –’

‘I have already informed someone to help Sir –’

‘Nate, please,’ Steve’s frantic voice swims right over Tony’s head when he slowly tries to open his eyes. His head hurts and his elbow is aching and he feels limp like a rag doll, not such an unfamiliar feeling, and he’s woken up after passing out enough times in his life to guess what’s just happened.

‘How long,’ he mouths silently, knowing that JARVIS will read his lips.

‘You were out less than a minute, sir. I have already called for help.’

‘Unnecessary,’ Tony mouths again, closing his eyes and letting them rest a bit. It’s easier to ignore Steve’s frightened face when he can’t see it, too.

‘I called Doctor Eisen, he should be here in about five minutes, sir. He was heading over to Colonel’s – yes, a lucky coincidence,’ JARVIS adds at Tony’s weak disbelieving stare.

‘Nate,’ Steve says, his voice trembling slightly. ‘I – are you okay? I didn’t manage to catch you, I was too far, please tell me if you’re okay –.’

‘ _Okay_ ,’ Tony signs, ignoring the slight ache in his left hand. He can tell it’s not broken, he’ll just end up with a nasty bruise. ‘ _Okay_ ,’ he repeats and Steve nods, acknowledging the sign.

‘Let’s get you to the sofa –’ Steve starts, but JARVIS cuts in.

‘It’s better if you let Sir stay where he is for a few moments. He might be in pain or feel nauseous and movement could make it worse,’ he says sternly and Steve takes away the hand he’s just placed on Tony’s arm, like a scolded kid.

‘ _Comfortable here_ ,’ Tony signs and JARVIS translates that after a heartbeat. That means hesitation in JARVIS-speak but no one other than Tony knows.

‘You’re comfy on the floor, huh? Steve chuckles nervously. ‘Nate, you’ve just fainted – please tell me what’s going on, okay?’ he adds in a whisper, leaning over Tony. ‘We were talking and you just collapsed, fell to the floor and I need to know what’s wrong, please, we’re all worried, me and Bruce and Phil and everyone else. I told you that I won’t let you push me away if something is wrong with you, if something… I want to help, okay? And you’re not letting me and I don’t know what I should do because I can’t pretend nothing happened, I can’t pretend nothing happened between us and I can’t pretend nothing happened today because you were talking to me and the next second you weren’t there and you’re sprawled on the floor breathing heavily and I don’t – I don’t know –’

Tony moves his not-aching hand and wraps his fingers around Steve’s tightly, catching his attention, and then lets got of him so that he can sign.

‘Don’t worry, I’m okay,’ JARVIS translates, keeping Nate’s voice level and blank. ‘It’s nothing, I’m sorry you had to see this.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Steve raises his voice just a tone and Tony can’t tell he’s more frustrated than angry. ‘I thought we were friends, I thought we could tell each other everything and I know you told me so many times that there’s something you want to keep secret, but it’s hurting me seeing you like this and not knowing what’s going on. You should be sorry because something like this should never happened, you should be all right, you have to – you have to be all right –’

‘Captain,’ JARVIS calls Steve, his voice firm. ‘Please remain calm. A doctor will be here in a moment –’

‘So there’s a doctor at your call, huh? And you still tell me you’re okay, you sign me you’re okay? I don’t get it!’ Steve says heatedly, but then takes a few breathes and calms down. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be like this, I just wish you’d trust me, I wish you’d trust us because we want all the best for you, we want to help you, and forget that I wanted to be your boyfriend because it doesn’t matter, I just wish you’d let us in, behind the Iron Man armor, behind the mask.’

‘I wish I could,’ Tony signs, ignoring the urge to shout. He really needs to shout right now, to scream, to say all the fucking words he wants to say. Just – let it go.

But he doesn’t yet.

‘I wish I could but it’s complicated,’ he signs and then stops, a sharp pain piercing his head, and takes a few deep breaths. Breathing hurts, too, and he can see it in Steve’s eyes that Steve has noticed that. Before he gets to continues, Steve wraps his warm hands around Tony’s and gives him this sad broken look.

‘I haven’t cared about anyone as much as I do about you, not after Bucky died – not even Peggy, not anyone else.’

‘Sir –’ JARVIS starts but doesn’t get to say the rest of the sentence because Steve interrupts him.

‘I know Natasha talked to you,’ he says in low voice, pocketing his hands and moving back slightly. Tony’s on his back, with his right cheek touching the pleasantly cold tiles, and he stares at Steve from floor level because he’s pretty sure he could muster enough strength to pull himself up and frankly, he can’t be bothered to, he’s just – he’s just too tired. And it does feel comfortable here. ‘I can guess what she told you and you know what? Maybe she was right. I’m starting to wonder, I knew she wanted to protect me because that’s what we do, we protect each other, and I told her she didn’t need to scare you,’ Steve pauses for a moment and shakes his head slightly, moving yet another inch back. ‘Just tell me to go. I’m sorry it’s like this, I know you’re hurt, but it hurts me so much, too, to see you like this and it’s not the first time something is wrong and I can’t do this if you don’t let me in at all. Tell me to go or tell me to stay but just please, please be honest with me once, okay? Just tell me to go,’ he says once more and Tony stares for a long moment, holding his breath.

He’s so tired with everything.

It’s just a flash of a second but he suddenly remembers Levy’s words from his hospital stay, Pepper’s words and JARVIS and _Rhodey’s_ , telling him to do what he feels he should, no matter what, to be at peace with himself.

So he does.

He closes his eyes so that he won’t see Steve’s face and signs, moving his hands tiredly, letting JARVIS say it aloud, ordering him silently to say it all aloud.

‘You want to know? All right,’ he makes a slight pause to take a breath. ‘Up until several months ago I was Tony Stark and I’m only pretending to be someone else because I’m dying and I’m too much of a coward to die in front of the whole world and I’m lying on the floor now and this is what everything goes down to. The answer you wanted,’ he adds, wondering how on earth is this happening now, he’s imagined this moment endless times before but he never foresaw _this_.

‘Now you can go,’ he adds and lets his hands fall and rest on the cold floor, too, curling up, and makes himself open his eyes just to see Steve’s stunned, _betrayed_ face as Cap stands up, looks around quickly and runs out without a word, the floor vibrating with his heavy steps.

Just a moment later Doc is kneeling next to Tony – he must have heard everything, Tony thinks hazily – to check his pupils and breathing, looking _livid_ , and Tony lets himself blink away the sudden moistness in his eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm really nervous about this piece so if you leave me a word, I will be very grateful <3 (And I hope you won't hate me now? Too much? Well, let me still offer you some hugs?) Also, the chapter count is up to 5 since I decided to give you a bonus this time, too, and an introduction to the next installment will be accompanying it; should be up in a few days. Hopefully it will cheer you up a bit :)
> 
> In a few days I will be moving to the UK out of my pine tree country. If any of you, my dear followers, are from the royal country, feel free to drop me a note! ([My tumblr](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/) askbox is always open & my email is in my profile). **Updates & all about the future parts of the story/posting things: **[see this post](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/post/65674763330).****


	5. bonus

‘There is the same black car on the other side of the street that I’ve seen three times this week already,’ Pepper mutters to herself and then adds, ‘JARVIS?’

‘I’m here, Miss Potts. I need a few moments to process the information.’

‘Sure thing – how is Tony doing today, by the way?’ she asks, glad that she drove the car to the meeting by herself; it’s the only moment when she has enough time to discuss Tony in a safe environment.

‘Sir is doing quite fine, better than expected I would say.’

‘That’s good, that’s good,’ Pepper sighs, relaxing a bit. It’s always a mystery if she’ll hear about Tony feeling bad and throwing up and sleeping all day – or being _himself_ , like he calls it. It leaves Pepper terrified and speechless every single time she actually hears anything bad, she can’t stop thinking that it’s – too soon, she just _can’t_.

But he is Tony and he’s exceptional so he always manages to surprise everyone, her included, even after all those years.

‘According to the information I was able to get, the person sitting in the car is Director Fury, ma’am. I am sure he would not be happy with me being able to find out his identity.’

‘Oh right, I’m sure he wouldn’t,’ Pepper says trough gritted teeth. She’s heard enough about S.H.I.E.L.D. from both Tony and Rhodey so she knows to expect never-ending supervision and nagging and too curious agents. Phil is an exception there, on the few occasions she had something to do with him he was polite and nice and they were as friendly to each other as two strangers can be – but Fury. The director. _The_ _spy_ , like Happy keeps calling him when he phones Pepper to bitch about one thing or another about Tony; Pepper lets him because he’s simply good-naturedly afraid.

‘Are you going to go back to your apartment?’

‘I will. In a moment. I need a breath, there are about three million things I should still do today, as soon as I enter my flat, it’s nice to practice avoidance sometimes. Not like I can do that often anyway… Do you know what he wants? Any ideas?’

‘It is difficult to say. There are reasons to believe that he might have a few questions –’

‘What did Tony do now?’

‘You know, Miss Potts. You were angry about the same thing.’

‘… I don’t think I can take that man anymore, Tony’s going to be the death of me,’ Pepper mutters after a few seconds of silence. ‘Really? _How_?’

‘Director Fury is one of the people who have most resources at their hand,’ JARVIS says, sounding almost amazed – and just a bit jealous. ‘As sir put it, Director Fury knows more than is good for him.’

‘He’s not the only one to think that – okay, I’m going into the house,’ Pepper decides, turning off the car’s engine and grabbing her bag from the passenger’s seat. ‘But I think we need a few more words later. All right?’

‘I can always spare some of my server memory for you, Miss Potts, it is a pleasure.’

‘You’re such a suck-up,’ she says fondly and opens the car’s doors. The pavement feels freezing under her feet since she’s not wearing winter shoes, just her usual heels.

She’s been Tony’s CEO for long enough to be a great actress and learn a few tricks so she doesn’t look back at the conspicuous black car but checks if it’s still there in the reflection of her building’s window. It’s still there, still with all dark matching windows and the most normal license plate ever.

 

 

Pepper makes her way upstairs and no more than five minutes after she enters the apartment, someone rings to her door. She’s managed to kick off her shoes, put leftover savory muffins into the oven and take off jewellery, so she answers the door barefoot in her tight burgundy dress, pretending he doesn’t know who is waiting outside.

‘We need to talk,’ Fury says, staring at Pepper with an unreadable expression.

‘Oh do we?’ she asks, raising an eyebrow, and then adds, opening the door wider, ‘Come in.’

‘I wouldn’t have expected you to let me come in,’ he comments drily, entering the flat and looking around, assessing the surroundings with a trained eye.

‘I know that you know and now I want you to tell me what you want from me,’ she says, smiling tiredly at Fury’s almost-frown. ‘Of course you know Tony’s A.I. by now – he’s quite a useful one, aren’t you, JARVIS?’

‘Indeed, ma’am,’ JARVIS replies smugly, making the almost-frown turn into a real one.

‘I hate you all,’ Fury declares, dropping onto the nearby leather sofa. It matches his black coat perfectly; the thought makes Pepper want to get a drink. After this extremely long day she really feels like she deserves a drink. ‘So you know I know – does _he_ know that?’

‘Tony simply assumes that I know everything – well, at least since he told me he wasn’t actually missing – it’s easier that way. And usually very true.’

There is a moment of silence, Fury closely observes Pepper moving to get them both something to drink but despite the scrutiny she doesn’t feel anyhow strange. It’s her personal space and no matter how intimidating and almighty the director might be, she’s at home. She won’t let anyone else rule in her space.

Besides, she’s been checked out endless times and it doesn’t feel that different, eyes – well, an eye – following her every movement.

‘I want you to tell me what’s wrong,’ Fury states firmly and Pepper blinks, shakes her head and actually laughs. God, that’s enough for today, it really is. ‘I need you to tell me what’s wrong,’ he rephrases and Pepper laughs again, amused by the fact that he thinks another wording would mean something else.

‘What for?’ she asks, out of curiosity, placing the glasses and water on the table and sitting down in the armchair, crossing her legs and tapping her fingers on the sidearm.

‘So you don’t deny something is wrong.’

‘Of course not,’ she rolls her eyes, pouring herself some water and swallowing it quickly. ‘You wouldn’t be here if it was anyhow deniable.’

‘But you still refuse to say something more?’

‘Oh, but I haven’t said anything. I’m pretty sure _he_ didn’t deny anything so this – this is not telling you anything. This is waiting for you to explain or give me any other reason not to throw you out of my flat.’

‘If I knew –’

‘Save it,’ she cuts in, keeping her voice strong even though the words are not what is in her mind at all. ‘I don’t know what you’re thinking but he isn’t a puppy and he can make decision so I would trust him if he told you to leave him alone.’

‘You’re both so fucking impossible –’

‘How do you think we’ve managed to cooperate?’ Pepper asks politely, faking a smile, and Fury almost-snickers. ‘We complete each other. If you want an _in_ into his head, that’s me. But you won’t get an _in_ because you don’t need an _in_. You want something, talk to him. He’s not my responsibility anymore, not like that.’

‘That’s a big damn lie,’ Fury notes. Pepper doesn’t dignify the statement with a comment, just pours herself some more water, wishing yet again it was gin. Or wine. Or anything. Just today.

‘Are we getting somewhere with this conversation?’ she finally asks a few long moments later, when it doesn’t seem like Fury is planning to say anything at all – just keeps staring.

‘I’m worried about him,’ he admits, and then, ‘Howard was my friend.’

‘Uh-oh, that’s not the best thing to say,’ Pepper comments, moving her legs into a more comfortable position. The thighs are still on and she’s dying to get rid of them. ‘Sore spot.’

‘I know that too well,’ he says, looking away for the first time in minutes. ‘I want to help.’

‘Well, you can’t,’ Pepper tells him easily, even though the words feel so heavy. ‘How does that feel?’

‘Stupid,’ he mutters, standing up. Pepper grabs the bottle to pour herself some more water but then she stops herself – it’s just a trick, she needs something in her hands, so he twirls the thin long glass between her fingers. ‘I still don’t have a fucking idea why he’d keep up the game – there is so much he could do if he stopped –’

‘I hope you haven’t suggested that,’ Pepper says, perfectly aware that her smile is more threatening than nice.

‘I’m obviously missing a piece of the story, no, I didn’t. But I hate missing a fucking piece of the story. I never miss any pieces of a story. He guards it closely, whatever it is.’

‘Director –’

‘Miss Potts –’

‘You don’t get to _Miss Potts_ me,’ she cuts in, leaning into the armchair while he’s pacing behind the sofa. ‘I won’t give you answers. Tony is Tony and he does what he wants and if you claim to know him at all, you should know that I follow because that is my job. To keep up with him and do the damage control and smile at him every time he makes a wrong decision. That’s how we work and you should know it, with your resources.’

‘I –’

‘He’s been through a lot,’ Pepper continues, ignoring Fury completely, looking somewhere behind his head and pretending to meet his eyes. ‘Since Afghanistan, he’s been through so much and you have to realize that and accept that and if anything, he’s gained the right to make his choices. So if you want something – don’t even start,’ she adds, noticing that he’s about to interrupt, ‘so if you want something, I can offer you a ham and cheese muffin my neighbor made yesterday. Damn, if you pretend to be half as nice as Phil is, I can offer you some wine and we can chat about how you do world domination and JARVIS will make notes for me, and we can eat muffins because I’m desperate enough to get some rest today that I’m inviting you to stay for a dinner – provided that you don’t try to make me talk again.’

When she finishes, she finally focuses on Fury’s face only to see a real expression finally, not a studied guarded one but a real, honest confusion.

‘Take off the coat,’ she tells him, standing up, and rolls her eyes at the annoying itching all over her legs – and then she takes off her tights, with a practiced movement, not revealing too much of her legs or anything, but Fury still stares as if she was an alien. ‘What? We’re both adults. I need to take these off,’ she says, throwing the tights across the room. ‘I’m not undressing for anyone, mind you. You’re _the spy_ , Happy tells me. He’s a fan. Don’t tell Tony.’

Pepper leaves Fury standing frozen in the middle of the room, makes her way to get the muffins, some potato salad from the fridge and a bottle of red wine. She puts it all on a tray, together with plates and cutlery, and goes back to the living room to see the director still standing in the same place.

‘I admit, this is not how I imagined my evening, but if you take off that damn coat I can pretend you’re not a superspy for the rest of the evening.’

‘And you are to talk about world domination, sir,’ JARVIS reminds politely and Pepper can swear he’s describing all of this to Happy in real time; Tony is probably asleep by now. Happy would love this so much.

‘Damn you both,’ Fury mutters angrily, takes a breath and then takes off his coat and puts it on the back of the sofa. ‘These any good, at least?’ he asks, taking one of the muffins from the tray. Pepper huffs, grabbing one herself, and pours them both wine before answering.

‘The best in New York City.’

‘Well then,’ he says and bites in; Pepper follows, trying not to think about how she’s eating supper with the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and how he’s here because Tony’s looking bad enough to make everyone wonder if he’s sick or how she’d rather sleep forever than go to work tomorrow.

World domination, she decides, that’s a good thing to think about.

And with Tony and JARVIS beside her, they could really do it, she realizes, and laughs drily at the thought, it’s almost as if she was choking down sobs but was too good at pretending it’s not that. Fury looks up from his muffin but she doesn’t offer an explanation.

 _If_ _only_.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the bonus. I certainly had fun writing it but it matters more if you liked it :) I'm posting this from my very temporary place to stay (here in the UK ;d) and while I'd love to tell you when the next part will be ready, I'm afraid I'm unable to do so; there's a lot of moving & work related stuff going on and I just can't find a peaceful and quiet place to type thousands of words. Apologies. All info, as always, on my [tumblr](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/). I hope you'll stick around even if it means waiting for a few weeks <3
> 
>    
> Next time:  
>  _Again come the morning_ \- March - September 2013 - the miracle of waking up, again and again and again.


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